ever with me.

Oh Lord, the Spirit of love abiding
The voice in the darkness guiding
Hear my prayer.
Be in my head and in my understanding.
Be in my eyes and in my looking.
Be in my mouth and in my speaking.
Be in my heart and always in my thinking.
Lead me Lord.
Lead me in Thy paths of peace.
Make You way plain before my eyes.
For it is only by your guidance
Only by You tender love that I may dwell in safety,
Dwell in safety.
God be in my head and in my understanding.
God be in my eyes and in my looking.
God be in my mouth and in my speaking.
God be in my life and in my breathing.
God be in my heart and in my loving.
God be in my thoughts and in my doing.
God be in my joy and in my laughing.
God be by my side, be my Protector.
God be at my end and with me ever
With me ever with me, ever.

-Gwyneth Walker

it's snowing again.

i like holding hands through mittens.

the moment.

i don't want to go to bed.
sleeping will officially end this weekend.
i don't want it to end!
it was too great...
too short...
i am not ready to go back to real life.
i want to go back to brandon.
to the apartment.
to my family.
to snuggling with you on the couch
and watching hockey.
to waffle stix and chocolate fondue.
to laughing too much.
to burgers at midnight.
to the newsboys concert
watching you dance and sing your heart out.
to eating fuzzy peaches on the bus
and talking about christmas.
gah.
living in the moment is hard sometimes.
the library awaits me tomorrow.
deadlines await me tomorrow.
but forget tomorrow.
right now memories call me.
thankfulness in my heart calls me.
praying, then sleeping calls me.
good night.

sorry everyone.

so i never post anymore.
life is just so busy!!
being an ra, a student, a room mate, a friend, a girlfriend, a daughter, a christian...
it takes up at lot of time.
sometimes i feel like i suck at them all.
sometimes i feel like i only suck at some of them.
but life goes on.
i go on.
we all gone on and press on through.
or we try to anyways.

maybe i shouldn't post when i'm so bogged down with work. lol.
back to the books...

too long!

ok, so its been way too long since i last posted, i apologise. life just gets crazy! so here is a one-sentence summary of the important things that happened.

1. i saw JOSH GROBAN live in concert!!! it was life-alteringly amazing, i bawled through most of it, GAH i love him.
2. i crashed a car - on the way to ashley's house for her birthday. henk and i lived, the car did not...oops.
3. henk came home! its been good to see him.
4. i led song actions for vbs with jodi on my lunchbreaks all of last week. it was so much fun; exhausting but rewarding.
5. al came to visit with her boyfriend on friday - sarah, rob and i joined them for supper and a movie and it was absolutely lovely to see them all.
6. i saw hairspray again in theatres. be still my heart.
7. i worked saturday and then had a party at my house which was so fun. i love camp fires.
8. sunday was jordan's 24th birthday party, my word my brother is old!
9. on monday at work it stunk like skunk and we found a dying baby one inside the building. john killed it with a shovel, and i cried (i would like to point out that he ended its suffering, it was in real bad shape).
10. yesterday was terrell's 20th birthday! so happy birthday to my guy. :)

and now ashley is here. today i pulled a bee out of my pocket and it was scary. and the mama skunk is in our building. oy! one week until i am in winnipeg, i am so excited but have so much to do! two more days of work and 7 more until i see terrell...sigh. life is happy.

what i know

1. i really don't like being called "jan" by people who don't know me well. friends, family, they can call me that - they know me. but people who i've just met only call me "jan" because they don't remember my actual name, and that bothers me!! this kid at work called me that and i was like, no.

2. drunk driving is never, ever cool. i don't care if you do it in the country, or give it a catchy name like "booze cruising", it doesn't make the possibility of death and injury cool. its completely idiotic and i really am frustrated by how popular it is in our area. oy.

3. you don't need to go overseas to be a missionary. at work this kid asked me if i was into church. i said, "well i don't know if i'm into church, but i'm into god." he made a comment about being religious and "into all your gods" and i said, "oh no, not 'gods', i believe that there is only one god." and he gathered from that that i was 'less religious' or less of a christian because i only believed in one god, as if by believing in more gave me more faith. so it just goes to show that even in our own communities some people have absolutely no idea about christian spirituality, or even about god, and that there is always a window of opportunity to step in there.

4. my aunt's boyfriend is awesome, a total keeper and the whole family loves him. excellent!

5. its much more fun to meet distant relatives now than it was when i was little because now i'm an adult and actually have things to talk about with them. its even better when they actually feel like they're your family and you feel like a part of theirs.

i love you.

cutest, best commercial of my life!

good morning baltimore

well guys, its almost august! can you believe it?
this summer is ridic.
well i am pooped after two fun weekends in a row. last weekend i went to the peg with nash and leanne and it was SO much fun! got home at 2 am on sunday and i definitely worked at 8:30 the next day. good stuff.

this past weekend i helped with some home renovation and painting and then went to brandon with ash to see hairspray with brynne. best movie ever!! it was so much funnier than i expected, and seriously such an empowering film. it covers issues like being different and embracing it, accepting people that are different (whether its race or size or whatever), standing up for whats right, and really chasing after your dreams. so many times in the movie i was applauding just because i was so pumped up and so happy! and the music was great too. basically i want to see it again - right now. and then supper and cheesecake with dan man. and a wedding registry. ha ha! after a failed attempt at mini golf, we went glo bowling where we danced to hollaback girl and listen to your heart. so fun! once again got home too late and then i sang at church. then there was a shower and then off to salt lake with ash, curtis, and michael. it truly was the only was to cool off and dingys made it even more fun! i laughed too much and ate too much brownie and played way too much bubble bobble (original nintendo baby). curtis and i even wrote a song to the irritating music. we managed to tag team it and defeat all 100 levels and the final boss. yup, we're awesome (and by us i mean curtis and michael, because ash and i weren't much help i don't think). but it was so much fun to hang out and laugh too much. GEEEB!

its too hot. officially. i am constantly dizzy at work and its very smelly there.

i feel like i could say more about life and hairspray etc but i think it calls for a seperate post. so until then, my lovelies!

ps i see terrell in less than a month - boo ya kashaw!

10 excalmations

1. i am feeling better!
2. today i rode in the parade on the town's float!
3. i ate too much candy!
4. i am excited about home renovations!
5. it was really hot all day!
6. i love sytycd!
7. wednesday nights with ashley are the best!
8. canadian idol sucks!
9. i am pretty tired right now!
10. traveler is the craziest show EVER!

terrell should like this post - no one loves exclamation points quite like him.

Paging Dr. House

so i've been feeling crappy since wednesday, and after an unsuccessful trip to the doctor here i am on sunday, missing church and feeling like a poop sandwhich. i wish i could report better but i woke up on saturday feeling worse than ever - which is unfortch bc i was really feeling quite a bit better friday evening. now my throat is seriously KILLING me, it feels like my left eardrum is about to explode, and swallowing is basically impossible. so dad took me to the hospital where they took blood and tested me for mono. the results came back negative, but my over swollen glands (you can see them bulging on either side in my neck, two rock hard ping pong ball sized lumps that hurt like a you-know-what), inability to talk, and high fever concerned him, as did my "concerning overly high" white blood cell count (which means that my body is producing more trying to fight off some kind of infection), so he put me on some meds of some sort, i have to take three ginormous horse pills a day. yesterday all i did was take two two hour naps, and sat up for an hour inbetween. last night i forced down food bc i haven't eaten properly since wednesday because swallowing is too painful. i feel like i have definitely od-ed on advil and tylenol trying to kill the renlentless fever, and cough candies make me nauceous/do absolutely nothing. so please, pray for me, because if i don't get better i will definitely be missing a lot more work and really the pain right now is inbearable. i think my infection is moving: before it was the right side of my throat and ear, than the left, and now my left ear is like super death! i really dont understand what is wrong with my body. even if my throat problem goes away i could at least function. so yes, prayer would be nice. thanks.

thoughts.

lately i have been tired.
tired but happy.
which is good.
i like being happy.
i have also been busy.
which is great.
have i mentioned that i love my job?
and how good god is to me?
i feel like these past few weeks he's been more than god to me.
he's been my friend.
and i love that!
i've been keeping a prayer journal and its going great.
i like looking back to see how he's answered prayers.
yup god's good.
and now terrell's on the phone so i gotta go.

time with terrell

so its officially been a week since i left terrell's, so its about time i tell about it!

well, firstly i got to brynne's and we had a fun adventure of shoppers drug mart, construction sights, hair straightening and so you think you can dance. after very little sleep, we headed off to the airport where i checked in and boarded soon after. i flew next to a kind of creepy man to toronto, and from there to (on the smallest plane EVER) london! terrell was waiting when i got there, and i shook through our entire reunion - i'll blame it on excitement and ridic turbulence!

so we drove back to his place and unpacked my stuff. i think we hung out with his dad and chilled and then went to pick his mom up at work, because we were going to detroit for a david crowder concert!!

i know, can you believe it? it was pretty amazing - he sounds AWESOME live!! we were so close too! i think nonie was more excited than either of us, ha ha! although he sang my favorite songs so i was thrilled. it was a great time of worship and so much fun, a dream fulfilled!

the next day we chilled and watched 'myth busters', which had this guy with some amazing facial expressions that made us nearly die laughing. we ate lunch (well they ate, i was nauseous most of the weekend), played pool and frisbee outside and picked nonie up at work again and drove once again to the united states. my passport got a workout! we ate at TGIFriday's and continued on to our destination - gotta love super 8s! first we shopped and terrell bought him and myself the two heaviest books in the store, then we hung at the hotel and watched 'the pacifier' on tv. i got my own room at the hotel, it was so sweet!!

the next day we drove to frankenmuth, mich, and went to the world's largest christmas store. it. was. so. HUGE! and fantastic! you really need to see it to believe it! its 5 acres of tacky christmas amazingness! we took a lot of pictures.

after lunch at a sweet restaurant in town we checked out some shops and then drove back over the canadian border to this sweet beach town, where i think we were the only 4 people wearing shirts. or pants for that matter! that aside, terrell and i took a stroll down the beach. we had a light supper and then went to huron country playhouse to see 'cats', which actually rocked my world! the sets were fantastic, as was the makeup, costumes, singing and dancing! the plot was stupid and made no sense, but the show was brilliant, i loved it! we got home after midnight and hit the sac immediately.

sunday was the best day ever. slept in, showered, ate a delishious brunch, hung out with terrell, played dominos with him and his mom, lost horribly, went to grad where terrell wons lots of money! came home, looked at our scrapbook, ate supper, went to ryan's house where he, ben, darren, kelly and us played frisbee and roasted marshmellows. it was so much fun! it was great to hang out with his friends, and spend time with sandra and kelly. that whole night was perfect too - it was great just talking, laughing, tickling, and eating fruit loops! and i gave terrell a great new nickname! ha ha.

it really was the perfect trip. i wouldn't change a thing about it - well maybe it'd be longer...oh and my flight wouldn't be delayed and hour and a half. but it really was perfect. i got to spend so much time with him and his parents, and saw some great things and had a lot of fun. its hard to come home knowing it will be so long until i see him again, but i know time will go by fast, and that god will give me joy when i need it. and i now remember just how good it is to see him after a break from each other, so i anticipate august 29 so much more!

me and my sherrell terriff!

beautiful

i am now even more convinced that wade robson is a genius. he choreographed this beautiful dance between jaimie and hok on so you think you can dance. its a love story between a flower and a humingbird, hok as the bird and jaimie the flower. at first she grows, and they are wary of eachother at first but soon....well just watch it. its maybe the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. and this is why i love dance - expression without words. amazing.

EDIT: i need to post about terrell's and i will...soon.

tomorrow, tomorrow...

...you're only a day away.

no words.

tomorrow i am going to winnipeg after work.

and spending the night with brynne.

then, bright and early, leamington, (and more importantly) terrell-ho!

ha ha it sounds like i'm calling him a ho. that makes me laugh.

he's no ho.

so i am packed, anxious, and so excited i feel nauceous.

like i could seriously yak. i don't know if its terrell or illness...

i'm cool like that.

today is going to be fun! going to brandon with brynne. gonna get my hair cut, eat some seafood, and buy nothing because i'm poor! ha ha!

well maybe i'll buy something...

so i will be at terrell's house in 5 days, that makes me so happy its retarded! cause i get to see him! and take a break from work! and see a DAVID CROWDER concert!!

thats right, be jealous!!

work is good, i am officially off of the probation period which is nice. so now they have to keep me all summer, suckers. started at the dump this week, just for the afternoon. my boss, johnny (who i just adore) went in and made them clean up, put up a mirror, and took dirty pictures off the wall, telling me that this was "no place for a lady." it was so cute, they guys said he's never kicked up such a fuss over a summer student so he must really like me. that made me feel special! i am going to bake him cookies sometime, he's great.

the dump is gross. please, for the love of all things holy, rinse out your recyclables!! it makes my job of sorting them so much more pleasant. nothing is grosser than sorting out a bag where everything is covered in pasta sauce and the milk jugs still have milk in them. *shudder* and seriously it takes like 5 seconds to rinse stuff like that out. honestly. so do it for your friendly neighborhood recyclables sorter. they will appreciate it.

excited!

sorry i've been so lazy lately, not even posting about my first week of work. i was just too pooped! mowing lawns for 7 hours a day in freezing windy weather has been exhausting. but i really enjoy it, more than my job last summer, even though i am working ten times as hard and making minimum wage instead of making $10 an hour to talk to brynne on the phone and read people magazines. its physically strenuous but i find it really enjoyable beautifying the town. no tan so far - its been SO COLD all week that i wear a tank top, t-shirt, long sleeve fleece, my coveralls (yup i wear coveralls), another fleece and then my windcoat, plus a touque and work gloves...its cold stuff! it makes peeing a process. hopefully it stays warm like it has today, my ears can't take that freezing wind much longer. i eat lunch at my baba's every day which is sweet, she feeds me too much. and then i come home, shower and veg all evening. i really wish i had energy to work out still, but i just can't. maybe next week i'll be less tired by my 8:30 start to the day. anyhoo i leave for terrell's in 12 days, i am FLIPPING EXCITED. goodness! so excited i could just...yeah i am pumped. by then it will have been 2 months since i last saw him. he's well worth the wait. so thats exciting!!

tonight is my mom's birthday party, so i'm psyched for lots of people and food. and this nice weather! oh and ps my sister graduated from u of m thursday with a degree in social work, and today she bought a wedding dress. and SYTYCD! bascially life is exciting.

Un-Free Paris

Ok so apparently a judge ordered that Paris be sent back to jail this morning. Its all quite dramatic:

Paris Hilton was sent screaming and crying back to jail Friday after a judge ruled that she must serve out her sentence behind bars rather than in the comfort of her Hollywood Hills home. "It's not right!" shouted Hilton, who violated her probation in a reckless driving case. "Mom!" she cried out to her mother. Hours earlier, the 26-year-old hotel heiress was taken handcuffed from her home in a black-and-white police car, paparazzi sprinting in pursuit and helicopters broadcasting live from above. She entered the courtroom disheveled and weeping, hair askew, without makeup, wearing a fuzzy gray sweat shirt over slacks.
Before Judge Sauer, Hilton's entire body trembled as the final pitch was made for her further incarceration. She clutched a ball of tissue and tears ran down her face. Seconds later, the judge announced his decision: "The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith."

Hilton screamed. Eight deputies immediately ordered all spectators out of the courtroom. Hilton's mother, Kathy, threw her arms around her husband, Rick, and sobbed uncontrollably. Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back.

The dramatics are so unnecessary! Oh my word. Good for the judge though, I would be ticked if a sherriff who has the hots for Paris overruled my authority!

Free Paris

ok so paris hilton went to jail for 5 days and cried so much they sent her home. is that pathetic or what? i guess her dad owns half the city so they have to listen to him...i found this on msn.com and it looks really long but i think its worth the read. it pretty much discribes how i feel about it too!

By Michael Ventre, MSNBC contributor

If Johnny The Fence, doing a stretch of two to five years, wants to get out of the stir, all he has to do is claim that his back hurts and he can no longer endure the strain of prison life. If Dave the Meth Dealer, scheduled to be incarcerated for the next five years, doesn’t like spending his days behind bars, he can just call for the doctor and say he’s having migraines and needs to be home in his own bed. Worse, if Lance the TV Star gets a couple of DUIs and can’t quite cope without his hot tub and his Porsche, all he has to do is hire a high-powered attorney who specializes in helping the rich and famous avoid responsibility.

Which brings us to Paris Hilton, up until Thursday the most famous prison inmate in the country. But authorities have decided that, after “extensive consultation with Los Angeles County medical personnel,” she is finished with her sentence after just five days, and will now serve the rest of her time at home, wearing an ankle bracelet.

No word yet on whether Paris will be free to roam wherever she wants until a custom-made, diamond-studded ankle bracelet is delivered by Tiffany’s, but you know that’s coming.I’m no legal expert, but I know enough as a private citizen to understand the importance of precedent. And this sets a horrible precedent.

Paris Hilton had already been coddled beyond belief. She had been sentenced to 45 days in prison for violating the terms of her probation on an alcohol-related reckless driving case. She didn’t get it. She reasoned that just because the law requires a person to spend time in jail if they don’t comply with the terms of her probation doesn’t mean she can’t drive around without a suspended license.

Then when she appeared before a judge, she claimed she didn’t know, that she was told by her publicist, Elliot Mintz, that it was all right to drive around under those circumstances. Then she fired her publicist before hiring him right back. Then she whined about how unfair it all was. Her quote: “I feel I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted. I don’t deserve this.” She neglected to mention how cruel it would have been had she killed somebody while driving under the influence (word!).

Her mother, Kathy Hilton, otherwise known as “The Enabler,” called her original 45-day sentence “pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayers’ money” and “It is a joke.”Then some of her friends suggested going to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to seek a pardon. One of them even wrote Arnold a letter, claiming Hilton should go free because “she provides beauty and excitement to most of our mundane lives.” I don’t know if it’s possible for a governor to veto a letter, but Arnold should have looked into it in this case.

That fan letter also claimed this: “She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world.” I’m sure she does now that she managed to weasel out of a 45-day jail sentence after just five days. I’m sure there are guys on death row who think anything’s possible now.

Paris Hilton was originally scheduled to serve 45 days in prison. Almost immediately, it was cut down to 23 days because of a good-behavior discount credited in advance. And now, after five days and several reports from bloggers and gossip sites that she cried a few times and didn’t like the accommodations, she was allowed to go home. I know it sounds incredibly naïve, but what kind of a message does this send?

What about Tom Sizemore? The actor was just taken into custody on Wednesday for violating terms of his probation on a drug possession charge. If I were advising him, I would tell him that, instead of continuing to be 45, male and fairly nondescript, he should instead become 26, female and beautiful. Oh, and cry a lot. That would help. Law enforcement officials interpret that as a sign that you want to get out early.

For that matter, what about any celebrity now who gets pulled over for anything? Jail isn’t really a serious deterrent anymore, because if a celebrity is arrested, he or she will simply ask for “that Paris deal,” and he or she will probably get it, because a precedent has been set.

Paris Hilton already had her sentence reduced once, to just over three weeks. She didn’t have to endure the humiliation of a cavity search, which is standard. She was whisked through the intake process rather than have to stand and wait like all the other inmates. On top of all that, she wasn’t even exposed to the general prison population, but rather was kept secluded, in her own cell. So if Paris Hilton had medical issues, why wasn’t she brought to the infirmary? Better yet, if celebrity worshippers wanted her to continue to get special treatment, why didn’t they allow her own doctors to treat her? What medical issues could she have had that couldn’t be accommodated while she was behind bars?

What really appears to have happened is she was stricken with that most heinous of maladies: not getting her way. So, in their infinite wisdom, law enforcement officials gave her what she wanted.Granted, she didn’t get everything she wanted. She won’t be able to go clubbing for another couple of weeks or so, which in the celebrity realm is like being pilloried in the town square. She won’t be able to “provide beauty and excitement to most of our mundane lives” from home confinement, although that could change if somebody slips in a video camera. And, most important, she won’t be able to drive. After all, we wouldn’t want her to get in trouble and go to jail again.

God is Good

i just got a job! yesterday, an hour after my interview. its 10 mins from my house, working at a dump/recycling centre. sounds fun eh? but its work, and its regular hours, monday - friday, and thats what i'm all about. the cool part is that there were two positions available, one for mowing and painting, and the other for the dump, and they offered this one but also working the other position for the next three weeks starting monday (!!) and then taking my other job in july. its a grant job, and the grant is only for 10 weeks of work, but they are offering me 3 extra weeks just because (God is awesome!). too good! and i discussed time off with them and they were cool about it, so i am taking three days off and going to see terrell! i booked my flights this afternoon. i leave in like 22 days. seriously, everything has just fallen into place so quickly, i am so excited and so happy. i am nervous about my new job, but excited to start working so quickly. basically, i love life!!!