the consuming word

its that time of the month again - sermon writing time.

the thing that annoys me about writing a sermon is that it MATTERS.

unlike the papers i wrote in school - they didn't matter. they just needed to be written so i could fulfill the 25% or 40% of my final grade.

sometimes it felt like grammar mattered more than content, that how i said what i said mattered more that what i was actually saying.

not that i wrote bad papers while i was in university. they were well done, and i put a lot of effort into them. but only one person read it (the prof) and writing them didn't affect my life.

the main thing is that when i took a break from writing papers, it was a break. i never thought of it. i went to bed and didn't think of the subject, i watched movies and ate food and stopped thinking about prayer and superstition or thomas muntzer.

with sermons, i cannot stop thinking about it. i lie in bed worrying about it. i make supper and ponder the meaning of the text. i pour over books and the internet trying to find examples that are meaningful and personal. i drive to and from work wondering if i am living out what i am saying in the sermon, if my example are clear, how to put all my thoughts together. i am afraid that i will come across as insincere instead of genuine, if people will think i am a phony. i kill my back and and eyes staring at my computer for days on end and feel like crying when at the end of the day i have only written 300 words that i will actually use in my sermon.

what i say in my sermon MATTERS. i am supposed to be nurturing people. challenging people. they need to relate to it - it has to be inclusive. it has to sound good - not just be read, but spoken. i need to write it to fill a need. and what i say in my sermon will be analyzed and critiqued, not just for marks, but for who i am as a person or faith and what i believe.

i cannot walk away; i can't seem to take a break. it follows me. i look at people interacting with each other and search for a way to include what they are doing into my sermon. i read the text over and over. i read the passages around the text. i memorize the text.

writing a sermon is so difficult because i can never escape. i am continuously caught by the consuming word.

recess

its kinda funny how just one tiny thing can take you right back to the emotional state of being 10 years old.

a few days ago i was in terrell's apartment and as i was leaving, friend after friend of ours was coming into the apartment with food. they had decided to all make supper togeher and eat together, each person bringing different foods that were cooked together to create a dish.

i felt really awkward, because terrell was invited, and my roomate was participating, and i knew nothing about it. so i went back to my room to eat supper by myself in my apartment.

before i left terrell said i should stay if i wanted to, but i felt awkward because i didn't have any food to contribute to the meal. i also just felt awkward because frankly, i wasn't invited. even though terrell invited me in that moment (and his roomate sort of invited me to stay as i was leaving), i already felt shafted and didn't feel like staying. does anyone else get that? or am i alone here and you think i was being dumb for not staying?

(as an aside, i might have stayed after terrell's invite but i had a massive migraine and just needed quiet)

well i got back to my apartment and made a salad and was on the verge of tears the entire time. i thought at one point i might actually cry...and i felt ridiculous about it!! my friends didn't forget me to be mean, or to make some point...they just forgot, and in our busy lives i can't blame them. but i still felt like i was in grade 6 and my friends started playing a cool game at recess without me and then when i showed up they said i could be the maid while they were all princesses (hey, thats the way it was in the '90s).

i am not telling this story to make anyone feel bad, or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to point out that a person can be quickly approaching 25 and still feel like a prepubescent.

people are weird.

Sam Tsui

IS MY HERO!!!

this is seriously SICK. terrell showed me this and his version of "don't stop believin'" by journey today and i nearly lost it. he is amazing!! he has an incredible voice, and yes, that is him 6 times singing each of the 6 parts. his producer is the one beatboxing on the left.

so check this out - the michael jackson medley. i nearly died!

sunshine!

...here comes the sun...do do do do....

cold weather is so much more bearable with sunshine! :)

my life is busy and hectic and that stresses me out sometimes.

when will i find time to get everything done??

but its also really good.

yesterday i was feeling inspired so i made a wedding binder!

it has all my receipts and important stuff like that in it. pretty sweet!

its blue and brown (like my wedding colors) and that makes me happy.

also, i am happy because i have been reconnecting more with old friends this year, like ashley and brynne. they have always been friends but i see them lots this year and its been just wonderful! it reminds me why we've been friends for so long. :)

i love coffee....mmm....

...and sunshine!

rainy day(s)

this weather = the PITS.


seriously...

i need sun. i can't go six days in a row with no sun

without feeling depressed.



this weather makes me feel like hiding.


....or disappearing

i want to curl up in my blankets and block out the world,
because all i can see out my window is grey BLECH and dull sky.

seriously...


where is the sun?

God With Us - MercyMe

(my fave song of the moment. i recommend listening to it, i get chills)

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us?
What do You see
That's worth looking our way?
We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

ENGAGED!!!!

so i guess its finally safe to put out there on my blog...

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

terrell proposed and now we are engaged and it is lovely and happy. :)

it happened on our 3.5 year anniversary, on september 23.

we set the date for may 1, 2o1o. so in a few months from now, i will be mrs. wiebe.

WOW.

but most of all, i get to marry my best friend, the person whom i never tire of or can stay mad at, who infinitely interests me in what he has to say, who makes me feel loved, valued and beautiful, who reveals to me each day the love that God has for me. and the person who makes me feel complete.

and now we will never be apart again!!!!

(hopefully)

time sucks.

sometimes i really hate time.

only because its the most reliably unrealibly reliable thing.

its reliable, because, well, its time. its set. it doesn't really change. 60 seconds per minute. 60 minutes per hour. 24 hours per day. and then it starts all over again.

so really, it should never be faster or slower. it should just be.

but in all actuality, it is rather inconsistant. because if it is supposed to be set...

how come when everyone i know is studying and i don't have to be time drags on forever? how come it seems to take millions of years for our 75 minute choir rehearsal to wrap up? why does it seem like hours for my tv show to load on my computer?

because time slows down sometimes?

then how is it that hours can pass when i feel like i just started a conversation with terrell? when i only have 20 minutes to finish an exam? why do i wake up exhausted every morning, feeling like the sun shot up into the sky quicker than it should have?

because time speeds up sometimes?

i really wish it wouldn't. i wish it would stop. not because i don't want to graduate, not because i don't want to write my exams. and not because i don't want to pack up my apartment.

(even though, in all honesty, i am really not looking forward to those last 2 things.)

i wish time would stop because every time i look at a calendar, i feel sick. every time i see how rapidly the end of april is approaching i want to cry. each night when i go to bed i cannot breathe. because each hour that passes is one hour closer to the hour that terrell drives away and doesn't come back for 4 months.

but of course, time will continue to speed along as usual. and then the summer will arrive and time will seem to stop, each minute equilavent to an hour.

i hate you time. you are really unfair.

unbeatable harmonies.

guaranteed to make me cry, every time.

blessed assurance - the isaacs

buddy holly.

today is the 50th anniversary of the day the music died.

whenever i think of buddy holly i wonder how much more he would have revolutionized the music industry if he wasn't on that plane that day.

he was only 22 and he had already done so much! too young to go, i think. it especially blows my mind now to think about because he was the same age as me.

enjoy this video of one of the greats. rip, buddy.

seven pounds.

so we saw 'seven pounds' today.

i can honestly say that it changed my outlook on life.

i know i sound incredibly dramatic, especially because i am going to talk about something that will most likely make me sound silly. but this movie affected me in a profound way and gave me an epiphany that i feel the need to share.

i have never filled out my organ donor card. call me superstitious, but i was pretty much convinced that the day i signed it i would die in a car accident. yes, laugh. but i just felt like signing meant it would happen sooner than later.

this movie has made me realize that if i do die, giving my organs mean that someone else lives. i know i sound stupid saying this because thats probably what everyone who is given a donor card thinks and already knows, but it really struck me just now. are there people that i love enough to die for? yes. if i do die, why not offer someone else the chance to live in my place?

you see i always avoided it because i think things like this, for example. i am heading back to winnipeg on sunday, and i am excited to see terrell. i think about how awful it would be to get in a car accident on the way there, with the last time i saw terrell being the last time i see him ever.

i realize that signing my donor card does not increase my chances. yet i almost felt like signing it was conceding to death.

i fully believe and understand now that it is not. and i feel that by signing my donor card, i am placing my trust in God, and not in superstition or fate. if i do die, which i am not hoping to do anytime soon, i feel assured that my death will have a purpose and that as a result of it, others will have a chance at life.

tonight at 10:10 pm, i signed my organ donor card.

i'm not afraid, and i'm not looking back.

i heart the hoppers.

so on tuesday night terrell and i went to a hoppers concert at grant memorial. it was basically amazing!! holy crap, they were mind-blowingly incredible and it was great to hear them live.

here is a video i took of them singing "jerusalem". it was basically the best thing ever. i only wish i had taped more songs, especially "yahweh" and "o holy night". so enjoy, y'all!

also, afterwards we went to their merch table and chatted with them. mama hopper even gave us a deal on two cd's and a dvd. it was amazing. what a great night!

apathetic is a pathetic way to be.

so i haven't really felt like myelf lately. i mean i've been fine, actually doing really well lately, but something just feels not quite right and i've had difficulty understanding it.

i figured it out today.

today was a political forum. the candidates representing the 4 parties were there talking about their platforms and why we should vote for them. the campus was all abuzz. all i had heard all weekend was talk of politics, what everyone is passionate about and why they are voting for so and so.

i haven't been able to talk politics; partly because i don't know much of anything, but mostly because i frankly don't care at all. and i know i should, its important, but i just don't care.

i went. i listened. i laughed a few times. i felt uncomfortable sometimes.

but nothing changed. i still don't care.

i was pondering why this was that i had so little interest when it hit me.

i have been lost to apathy.

yes, i admit it. i am apathetic. and not just towards politics.

i used to be a passionate person. about god, friendship, life, music, even school sometimes. i had many passions. and now i feel like i have none.

i know what i should be passionate about. i am just not.

i have lost my passion.

its really weird and annoying. its not how i want to be, its not who i should be. but it is largely who i am now.

its just so much easier to be apathetic. easy to not care because then no matter what the result of anything i am left unaffected.

apathy is a scary place to be. its scary because it is so easy to get stuck here.

so i guess i am writing this so i can be held accountable to not be apathetic, and get out of this rut.

also i am really just writing this out to make more sense of it.

thanks for listening.

sorry.

so i realize i kinda died with the 40 day challenge thing. the truth is i did in fact complete all 40 days. i was journalling them and then typing them, and by the end of the summer i just got too darn busy to type them out! if i didn't feel just as lazy now and could find the last few days, i would do so. so sorry everyone, i really enjoyed it and it was a great summer of blogging.

i will admit i haven't blogged since then out of shame. although i am busy i hope to periodically post little thoughts here and there when i can. this blog is my baby, and i refuze to let it die!

well thats all i really have to say. hopefully i'll post again soon.

love to all.

day twenty-six.

I will never go outside. I will never go back to being blind. I need shine, I need shine. I need shine. Step away from my light I need shine.

- Laura Marling, Shine (Alas, I Cannot Swim)

Okay boring lyrics I realize but really pretty melody and singing in that part of the song. Man I am loving that CD lately.

I love sleeping in, relaxing, making some coffee, sitting in my chair and reading while drinking a coffee. I am grateful for having nothing to do.

I want to finish my book so I can look up what was real and what wasn’t. I am reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, which is turning out to be a sometimes interesting and sometimes boring I-will-skim-the-next-page, this-man-repeats-himself-so-freaking-much. And he is a really unlikeable person, I find, so cocky and self-righteous. Anyhoo its supposed to be a memoir but apparently he made up a lot of it and I am curious as to what.

Tonight Kelly was showing me her yearbook and I was like, man, this yearbook stinks like feet! This has to be the smelliest yearbook of life. And then she goes and gets another yearbook and says, no, this one is probably the smelliest. On the cover of said yearbook was a pair of footprints. Laughs were had!

I love Sandra, Kelly and Ryan's mom. She is so sweet and so beautiful and just awesome. I have always felt close to her, from the first time we met. She has that quality that just draws you to her. She has always been so kind to me as well. Tonight she was hula dancing talking about their trip to Hawaii and it was so funny and so...Sandra. She's just a great person and I really love talking to her and being around her.

day twenty-five.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good.

- Michael Bublé, Feeling Good (Caught in the Act)

After talking about CMU for a long time at supper tonight, I must say that I am really grateful that I am planning on graduating in 3 years with my three-year degree without taking a full course-load. So good. I feel very blessed that it has worked out for me to do the university thing successfully without stressing myself out beyond what I could handle (although there have been times where I was stressed to the max and I’m sure those times will come again). I look forward to (hopefully) having another successful year!

I want this next school year to go really well. I want to have fun and enjoy it but also work hard and be successful academically and on student council. I also hope that my rooming situation goes smoothly and that my room and floor is a fun but productive and peaceful place to be. Oh man talking about this is getting me excited about it! I want to put all this stuff in God’s hands and have Him take the lead on it.

We were at this crazy Italian restaurant in Windsor tonight and the soup of the day was cream of potato. It was full of dill and smelled like Baba’s house! Also, I told the story of Tyler’s purple pants at The Dark Knight and Nonie was laughing so hard that the waiter asked her what was going on and she said, “Have you seen The Dark Knight? Well, it’s really not that funny,” and then burst out laughing again. Oh, good times.

At work there was a BBQ today and I sat with all the pregnant women from my unit and they are all quite funny. One of the women, Darcey, was telling a story that she swore during. She immediately turned to me and was like, oh dear I am so sorry I really shouldn’t say those words in front of you! And I laughed. I love that the women I work with are always concerned about offending me, especially because I have never commented on their language at all. She made me happy.

ALSO: Our waiter tonight was very funny. An Irish boy working at an Italian restaurant telling us things that made him seem incredibly nerdy, like his favorite werewolf movie and how he buys graphic novels and how The Dark Knight shouldn’t be named what it is because it doesn’t ring true to the graphic novel. Hoo boy, he was nerdy but open with us and I appreciate him for it.

day twenty-four.

You know the world can see us in a way that’s different than who we are, creating space between us ‘til we’re separate hearts. But your faith gives me strength, strength to believe – we’re breaking free.

- Zach Efron & Vanessa Hudgens, Breaking Free (High School Musical Soundtrack)

I am grateful for working at home – I love it I love it I love it!

I am also so grateful for my house. I love it, I don’t want to move out. :(

I want to stop feeling so freaking lazy and actually get up off my butt once in a while! I feel like I am wasting away, lying around all evening but I also feel too flipping tired to move or care. So some energy and motivation would be great.

Kristin called me tonight and it was really, really exciting! I was so happy! We talked for an hour and a half and it was so nice to just rant and laugh and talk to my sister and friend. Oh man oh man.

I love Kelly. Kelly! She is so funny and I like that even though she has friends and a life, she takes time out of her schedule to hang out with a boring old lady like myself. She always makes me laugh, and I love that I can make her squirt things out of her nose. She’s awkward in this fun way, and she is absolutely beautiful. And trendy. And she loves Disney Channel movies and is more obsessed with Facebook than I am – is it possible? I love how she is incapable of putting on mascara without stabbing herself in the eye. She is just a great girl, I have so much fun when she’s around. She is lovely and I can’t wait until we start our band .chemical.banana.pants. It will rock.

day twenty-three.

If you just realize what I just realized that we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another. Just realize what I just realized…

- Colbie Caillat, Realize (Coco)

I am grateful for being outside after spending the whole day inside. I am grateful for this nice weather!

I want people at work to stop putting me in the middle of their arguments and talk to each other about stuff instead of me. I wish that people would talk to the person they have an issue with instead of spreading it all around the office and taking their anger out on someone else.

Moment of pure joy…when Terrell said he would bike home from volleyball and I could drive the car. I was SO COLD and so driving back was excellent. Also, I made it there by myself without even thinking about it or getting lost. Yeah!

Thinking back to last summer, going out for supper with Ms. Nashly Bali. So good. I love that girl. Just an honest, pure heart for God and genuine concern for others. She is so silly too. I miss not seeing her this summer, I saw her alot last summer! I just always feel listened to and cared for when she’s around. I miss having someone to pray with, she and I always prayed together about everything. I miss her.

day twenty-two.

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it)

You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it)

You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want

But I know, I know

Your love is just a lie

It's nothing but a lie

-Simple Plan, Your Love is a Lie (Simple Plan)

Stupid Simple Plan. That was the last song I heard on the radio at work today and now it’s stuck in my head. Oy.

I love that Terrell and I can talk about anything, that I can tell him anything and instead of it scaring him away, it just brings us closer together. I am so grateful for that, that we are just continuing to grow together as time passes. Oh man I love that. I am just so thankful for someone who accepts me for who I am, who sees all my crap and loves me for it.

I want God to figure out my future because I don’t want to.

…happiness is talking about spending the rest of your lives together with the one you love…

Today I thought about Pat Tanchak telling Terrell the first time they met, “see you at the wedding” as we left. And Nonie was there, and it was awkward. Oh, Pat. She is lovely and loves to make things awkward. I appreciate that.

wow.

listened to this song this morning. these words just nailed me. wow! how blessed are we that we never have to fear the darkness because God is stronger than it all!

(A Mighty Fortress is Our God - verse 3)

And though this world, with devils filled,

Should threaten to undo us,

We will not fear, for God hath willed

His truth to triumph through us.

The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;

His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure;

One little word shall fell him.

day twenty-one.

The mention of God makes me strange, the battle of words, and the wars we wage…sometimes I feel, my blood runs cold, and the conscious stain, won’t wash away. Tell me what are we waiting for?

- Crash Parallel, World We Know (Album Unknown)

I don’t really know what I’m grateful for today. Not that I’m being all emo and depressed but nothing is really jumping out at me. I guess that’s why I do this everyday, to find these little things in each day. Hmm...I guess I am grateful for prayer, that I love a God who wants to TALK to me, and LISTEN to me, even when I feel like I have nothing important or eloquent to say. I am so thankful to have people I my life who say, “I’ll pray for you” because I know some people feel like no ones cares enough to do that for them and I know how cared about that makes me feel to have someone pray for me.

I don’t know what I want either. Its weird, maybe I’m just having a weird day. I guess I’ve been thinking about the dark place I was in second semester at school, and I never want to go there again. I want to feel strong enough to fight it and never go there again. I hated that. Depression is a scary thing…sometimes I see little glimpses of it trying to rear its ugly head again and that frightens me. Like this past 3 days I have been fine and all but I feel an underlying feeling of anger at nothing and no one in particular. And that’s how it started last time – angry at nothing and sad at nothing and then one big pit of angry sadness all the time. I have been praying about it, and God is good. Don’t worry about me, I didn’t write this so everyone would be like, “aah! Are you okay?” Ha ha, it’s probably just PMS. Like actually.

Tonight at baseball when someone on Terrell’s team got a grand slam and we actually won!! It was really exciting and everyone was cheering like crazy. And then one of the girls watching was reminiscing about the school we were at, as it was her elementary school. She said fondly, “Oh, Gore Hill.” And everyone thought she said to the first base ump, “Oh, go to hell.” Pretty funny. I laughed about that for a while.

Hendrik von Lichtenstien wrote me a letter recently and it made me oh so happy. It was so good to hear from him. He always seems positive no matter what – even when stuff is kinda crappy he still looks for the positives and that’s sweet. I miss him, as if he and I are swapping Manitoba for Ontario and vice versa on the same day! That is sad. I can’t believe I won’t see him until Christmas, it’s a little ridic. When I do see him he is receiving a very large hug. I love that Henk goes golfing with my dad, I love that he will play scrabble with my parents even if I’m not home. I am so glad the military didn’t take away his clumsiness. Its bad enough they took Henk away and turned him into a man so his brother had to become Henk, because a Henk-free world is a sad place.

day twenty.

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing. Be my mirror, my sword, and shield, my missionaries in a foreign field. For some reason I can't explain I know Saint Peter will call my name. Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world.

- Coldplay, Viva la Vida (Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends)

I am so grateful for normalcy, for normalness, for being comfortable. Today after the young adults BBQ we were all doing different things, Terrell was downstairs on the computer, Bruce was watching TV, Nonie was outside reading on the deck, I was sitting in the front room reading/napping. It just felt so normal. I like that when I’m at their house it doesn’t feel like I have to be hanging out with someone at all times or doing everything they do. I mean we do hang out together often, but I am grateful that’s its not weird or awkward when we don’t.

I want to sleep until the END of TIME. I cannot seem to get untired. It’s very weird. I had a nap this afternoon, I slept in this morning, I am going to bed early. I just feel pooped 24/7 it seems, so I basically just want to sleep. I feel like I’ve slept the weekend away already and could continue to sleep through the week. Ha ha.

Sitting on Terrell’s deck helping him play a Lord of The Rings board game by himself. He tried to play by himself but couldn’t because he had to read cards and answer questions but the answers were bolded. So I just read the questions for him, fumbling through pronunciation of names like Eorn and I don’t even know what else and learning things that no one should possibly know about LOTR. But it was fun. I was very happy. But hot: HOTTEST DAY EVER.

Every time I watch a Corner Gas episode I think about my brother. I can’t help it; Brent reminds me so much of Jordan it’s ridic! It’s because he’s kind of like a big child, quite unobservant and his humor is just so similar to him that I laugh. The faces he pulls are the same too. I love how Jordan cranks his head in the most unnatural way while telling stories, how he is so full or random facts it’s unbelievable. I love how he is probably the least athletic person in the family but probably the most flexible (how does he twist himself into the pretzels he sits in?). He is my favorite person to watch a Bryce Family Classic movie with, for three reasons. 1) He makes a massive bowl of popcorn with the perfect amount of (lots of) butter. 2) He has all funny scenes memorized. And 3) he laughs the hardest out of us all, and how can I not laugh when he’s on the floor biting a pillow because he can’t handle it?

day nineteen.

Girl, where’d you get that body from?

I got it from my mama, I got it from my mama.

- will.i.am, I Got It from My Mama (Songs About Girls)

(This is because I was asked where I got my bread recipe from, and I responded, I got from my mama. Then there was no escaping this stupid song.)

After a really disturbing dream last night, it was so lovely to wake up and realize that none of it was real. Stupid book/The Dark Knight. It was also nice to just chill and have a super relaxing day at the Wiebes, reading and baking and fighting off my stupid summer cold.

I can’t think of anything I want right now. Other than more Cold FX. And for these good hair days to continue! Like 2 in a row, what is that? Even after sleeping/napping on it, it still looks good. Crazy.

Reading through all Terrell’s quotes from this past school year and dying laughing. Talking to Terrell about funny things that have happened to us/around us, retelling good stories like “making l-pancakes” and “it IS a man!” Just snuggling and talking and being happy.

I miss Michael Blatz. He is the only person who ever says, “I love it when you speak” and runs in to hug me from another room because he can hear me being ridiculous and thinks I’m funny. I miss living next door to him (next year again, baby!) and having random dance parties. I miss borrowing his cardigans and him asking me “are you naked?” whenever I am in the bathroom getting ready and he wants to talk to me. Watching Summerland and getting angry at the horrible plot and acting, but continuing to watch it all the same. He makes me laugh so much, and I always have so much fun with him. I just love that kid, and I am very excited to be reunited with him come fall.

day eighteen.

She never compromises; loves babies and surprises. Wears high heels when she exercises, ain’t it beautiful.
- Train, Meet Virginia (My Private Nation)

I am very grateful that this work week is done and now I get to have a weekend. I am exhausted!

I want to have faith in the human race, but sometimes I just can’t. In my book today was a way too detailed account of a disgusting act that I realize is very real and happens too regularly in society, which is why it upset me so much. For one thing, I am not ignorant and I realize that children are abused all over the world. It upsets me beyond belief; I once wanted to be a social worker specifically to fight that. But I know that my heart couldn’t take it, nor could my stomach. But in my defense, I did NOT need such a vivid account of it, I wish I could go back in time and erase it from my mind and not read that page because I am forever tainted and scarred by it. I ended up not sleeping until very late praying and praying because I was again reminded just how real it is. Just because I’m not thinking about it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Just because it’s never happened to me doesn’t mean its not happening to someone right now. I just wish that it never happened – its nights like tonight that make me realize how disgusting and fallen the human race is, that some of us are reduced to committing that act…it frightens me how angry it makes me, how injustice makes me feel violent. After that page I could not wait for that character to die what I hoped would be a horrific and painful death. He died in his sleep.

The best part of my day was laughing until I was crying and flailing and unable to stand or think or stop in the kitchen with Nonie reading a clipping Baba sent me in her last letter. I haven’t laughed like that in years. It was a clipping from Strath’s paper the year I was born. It was titled “Apology” and read something like, “The Bryce baby’s name in the last paper should have read JANNA and not MANNA, as was printed. Our sincerest apologies.” Oh man, that struck me as hilarious and she and I went like rag dolls draped over our chairs, unable to do anything but laugh. I was bawling, tears flowing, it was too hilarious. Now Nonie calls me Manna and I just tell her I really was heaven sent.

Karen, my dear Karen. She is a lovely Italian lady I work with who drives me home when I need a ride. She is also my confident and saving grace at work. A lovely Christian woman with a sincere heart for God, it has been amazing to have someone to connect with. She drove me home today and we talked for like 20 minutes afterwards. It was so great, she is so much fun and I don’t know if she realizes just how much I appreciate her. She looks like a young Mrs. Basso and she calls me ‘girl’ and I bet you she’d yell at you and tell you my widow’s peak is beautiful if she had the chance. Ha ha!

day seventeen.

Why don’t we end this lie? I can’t pretend this time. I need a friend to find my broken mind before it falls to pieces. Misery won’t get the best of me because I’m calling, yes I’m calling on your bluff. Throw down the cards I’ve had enough.

- Billy Talent, This Suffering (II)

I am so grateful for my job last summer. Watching the lawn people mow the grass today made me miss Betty (my New Holland front blade mower) SO VERY much! I miss the instant gratification of cutting grass, being proud of my accomplishments, beautifying the town. I miss getting lost in my thoughts, just mowing and thinking and praying and singing and getting paid for it. What a great job. I am so glad I had that last summer.

I want to work from home EVERY DAY. It was awesome. It was so great, putting little to no effort into my appearance, sitting in a room with WINDOWS and all natural light, playing any music I want as loud as I want, singing along, not listening to gossip or complaining, not internet to distract me, just me and tons or productivity. It was the best. I feel so rejuvenated. I am defs going to see if I can do this again next week. Plus: I loved having Terrell over for lunch! That was so nice. I think he enjoyed eating more than a sandwich as well.

Tonight Nonie was taking pictures of me to practice with her flash and lets just say if I had a dollar for every time she said, “I’m just going to take one more” I would have enough coffee money for the rest of the…week. Yeah I would say summer but that’s such an over exaggeration, considering how much coffee I consume on a weekly basis.

Thinking about last summer makes me think about my Baba. She fed me every lunch hour, and I miss our little chats. There was a good three summers in a row where I felt like I lived at Baba’s house because I worked in SL and was eating there/being fed by her daily. That was great. How I didn’t weigh a zillion pounds afterwards I’m not sure. I miss her, I miss her talking in third person, I miss her food, her garden, her obsession with birds. I miss her clip on earrings and aprons. No take everything I just said I miss and put the word love there instead. I love getting her letters. I hope she’s doing alright.

day sixteen.

I’m breaking dishes up in here all night (uh-huh)
I ain’t gon’ stop until I see police lights
Imma fight a man tonight, Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man, a man, a man.

- Rihanna, Breakin Dishes (Good Girl Gone Bad)

I am grateful for my boyfriend, who always knows what to say, who sticks up for me and tells me exactly what I need to hear at that moment. I am always so grateful for his prayers and for his support. He wants me to have dreams and to follow them, no matter what. I love that. I need that.

I want to know what the crap God wants me to do. I want to know why I am suddenly second guessing myself. I want to pretend that it didn’t upset me, but it did and now I don’t know what to do or say about it. I want to cry.

Nonie spoon feeding me yogurt during SYTYCD and getting it all over my face because she was so into the show that she was shoving the spoon into my face sideways with way too big of a scoop.

Nargus. I love you my dear. Thanks for forgetting your $200 phone bill and calling me when I needed to talk to a friend. I know we are both changing and our lives are both changing and perhaps our paths separate us at times but I really really hope that our paths keep crossing and eventually we will come back to each other as even better people and friends than we ever were before. You are very special to me and I only hope you get the best in life at all times. Thanks for being awesome, I miss you! Can’t wait for our pizza date!

day fifteen.

Song lyric:

This innocence is brilliant; I hope that it will stay. This moment is perfect, please don’t go away. I need you now. And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by.

- Avril Lavigne, Innocence (The Best Damn Thing)

Grateful for:

I love having relaxing nights! So good to just chill and be happy and rev up for the next day.

I want:

I want a new watch! Its weird not having one, I haven’t worn one in weeks. My rainbow one is about one wear away from tearing, which is so sad! I want a watch just like my old one. If anyone goes to Ardene and sees a rubbery blue rainbow watch that says rainbow all over it and says clearly, KID on the front (I guess it’s a kid’s watch? Lol) then please buy it for me! I will pay you back!

Moment of pure joy:

Cuddled on Terrell’s bed showing him how to use Facebook, and then setting him up with an account. I don’t know why we were both so happy after, but we were both mildly overcome with happiness after and it was most excellent.

I love:

Betty in the Café. Such a sweet girl! She is so cute, and I love how she always talks to me when she sees me. She does a great job in the Café as well. Every time I talk to her I remember why I am doing my job, and getting a little more inspired to do it well.

day fourteen.

Silly songs with Larry:

When you are gone will I lose control? You are the only road I know, you show me where to go. Who will drive my soul?

- Lights, Drive My Soul (Lights EP)

For the love that He shares; cause He listens to my prayers, that’s why I give thanks everyday:

I am really happy to be here for stuff. Like I mean last summer Terrell always e-mailed me or talked to me on the phone about Monday night baseball, Wednesday night volleyball, his campfires with friends, the Mennonite Sale, and now I am here for all that stuff! Its amazing to me how normal it has become for me to be here – I see the same people at baseball every week, they expect me to be there. I’ve met so many people I never would have, its just really cool to here for stuff, be a part of Terrell’s home life.

If you want a big hat, we got that (oh, Madame Blueberry):

I only really want two things today.

1. a coffee.

2. a nap.

Can’t find a Veggie Tales lyric for joy or happy. Weird:

Watching baseball today made me happy. Had a funny moment or two with Adolph’s girlfriend, it was fun. And I talked to someone for a long time about CMU and felt all knowledgeable. It was fun times.

I love my lips:

I thought about my friend Janice a lot today. I remember the time she threw me a note across the room on Outtatown and told me she had to go number 2, but didn’t want to go in the bubble gum smelling porta potties at the Farm. Ha ha, we had so many great conversations on the bathroom floor in our cabin at Kawkawa at like 3 am, and bowel movements were only the tip of the iceberg. I love being at that place with friends, where they are comfortable talking about poop with you. Now that’s intimacy. I miss Janice, I wonder what she’s up to now?

day thirteen.

La-la-lyrics:

Woah, the Solid Rock, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. Woah, the Solid Rock, all other ground is sinking sand.

- 4 Him, The Solid Rock (Hymns: A Place of Worship)

Th-th-thankful:

I am so happy I grew up in a small town. Today we went to Alecia’s house for lunch and she lives in Hawkesville, a town of 250. I think its more like a suburb of people who don’t want to live in Waterloo but still stay very close to the city. Being there, walking around down the middle of the street, looking out over fields and a stream, so much green, the smell of manure in the air, the openness of the blue sky; it all reminded me so much of home. Other than the very nice houses and obvious wealth in Hawkesville, it reminded me a lot of Strath, being able to look out your window and be able to see your grandma’s house. I wouldn’t change my upbringing for anything, I was so spoiled to be so close to both grandparents and be in such a safe environment. At Alecia’s we were also talking about how many times we’ve moved, and compared to Terrell’s 8 (?) times I am very glad to say never at this point. Wow, what a blessing.

Wa-wa-want:

Well I know one thing, I want more talks like I had last night with Alecia, that was amazing. I want to raise my kids in a small town. I want to see Strathclair right now, I’m sure the fields are periwinkle and gold and beautiful right now, like a sparkling lake and a winding yellow brick road. I want to spend the rest of my life on the open road with Terrell, singing along to the Hairspray and Moulin Rouge soundtracks with the wind slowly tying my hair in knots. I want to go back in time and do this weekend again because that’s how much I enjoyed it.

Ju-ju-joy:

Today at Alecia’s church the VBS kids sang a song from their week, it was really good music and they had cute actions. There was this one woman watching the VBS slideshow who sang along to every word of the song and did the actions by herself in her pew. Later on, she stood up alone in the middle of the congregation in the middle of a chorus that everyone stayed seated for. I wanted to stand up, but I didn’t. But she did, she didn’t care what anyone thought or that nobody stood up with her. I loved that; I loved her passion, so honest and joyful. I just really loved Alecia’s church – it is the first church I have been to in a long time that was truly ALIVE. These people aren’t just plodding along; they are feeling it, living it, bursting with life at all ages. It was so refreshing to see.

Ello, ello, ello, L-O-V-E (ello, ello, ello):

I love Alecia!! Like seriously, GOOD JOB RYAN, you picked a great woman, you did! She is lovely. She is very genuine, sincere, and easy to talk to. It was amazing to talk to someone my age, also in a relationship, also in school, also a Christian struggling along, who lives in a small town, who has never moved, who is overly emotional, who is dating a boy the same as mine. Oh my goodness do we understand each other on that respect! We talked for hours last night! And if we weren’t so exhausted, and it wasn’t 3 am, we probably could’ve continued. I just feel like we have known each other for a very long time, even though we have only hung out like 4 times. She is just a wonderful person and I can’t say enough about how great it was to connect with a female my age again. I am sad we don’t see each other more often.

day twelve.

1. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom – let it be.

- Carol Woods, Let It Be (Across the Universe Soundtrack)

2. I am grateful for friends! I feel like these are people who bring out the best in each other and I feel like when we’re together we bring out the best in one another. Its so nice to talk to people without gossiping, with people who also love God and are trying hard to figure out what that means. I don’t know, its just really refreshing to make new friends with new people who are really GOOD people, and not in an annoying or unrealistic way.

3. I want this weekend to not end, I am rather liking it. I also have been thinking about friendships since I got to Leamington this summer. I don’t know, I really think God wants me to shape up in the friendship department. I mean I think that in some of my relationships we really bring out the bad parts of each other more than good. I also really disagree with a lot of aspects of my friends’ lifestyles. It doesn’t mean I dislike them or think I’m better than them, but I disagree with it and so I don’t want to be involved in that. And in some cases it takes up a lot of their time, whether it’s gossiping or moping or drinking, I don’t want to be involved really. So it makes it difficult to spend time with them, because I don’t want to offend them but I don’t want to be around that either. Being here and meeting some of the people I met makes me see what friendships can be like. I don’t want people to think I dislike them or anything, but I really am having my eyes opened to what it could be like to have a meaningful adult friendship with someone. So I guess I want direction as to where to go from here.

4. So many happy moments…playing bingo with old people, running through the pouring rain to the farmer’s market and getting absolutely soaked, watching Star Wars, playing Mario Kart with Terrell on a team, SEEING ALYSHA WOOLNER, talking way too late into the night with Alecia.

5. I love Alysha Woolner!! She is the most hilariously awkward person ever. She is so gorgeous, ALL THE TIME and is so funny and amazing and fun to be with. She flirts with me, asks weird questions, and makes passes at my boyfriend when he’s not paying attention. To top it all off, she tried to violate me in the most horrific way which made us all laugh until we cried. Oh Alysha, I miss you when we are apart. And I love you.

day eleven.

Soooooooooooong:

I’m in love with a girl who knows me better, fell for the woman just when I met her. Took my sweet time when I was bitter, someone understands.

-Gavin DeGraw, In Love with a Girl (Gavin DeGraw)

Graaaaaaaaaaaateful:

For safety on the road on the way to Windsor, and for being able to find Ryan’s house so easily! For fun with friends.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant:

I really want to have fun this weekend and just rest and chill and enjoy being away from work and home. I also want to see Alysha Woolner tomorrow!! I wish she would call me!

Joooooooooooooooy:

On the way to Waterloo today Terrell was like, “oh man, I really want to finish my book! I’m at the climax and only have like 30 pages left.” I was like, “What book is it? I can read it if you want.” And so I read him about 15 pages of Star Wars Episode III: Return of the Sith. It was fun! I got to stumble through some names and really wished I could Yoda’s voice. My favorite was the dramatic dialogue between Anakin and Padme on Mustafar. “I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

Also, I gave my boss a final copy of my first module and she came in singing “I’m so happy I could jump for joy” and hugged me. That was sweet.

Petting a sweet kitty who had the cutest squeak-pur I have ever heard.

Loooooooooooooove:

Ryan Petryschuk is a funny kid. Today on the way to Rogers to rent Jumper (a pretty awful movie, I really thought it was poor), Terrell and Alecia almost held hands by accident and so Ryan grabbed my hand so we formed a circle and started skipping. He then continued to skip for most of the way to Rogers. It was so funny! He reminds me so much of Terrell its crazy. He has a Baba, a great family, is so nice and incredibly dedicated to his education. I admire that. He’s a lot of fun and thinks I’m funny! So I’m sold, right?

Cambodia?

I had this crazy dream last night…I honestly don’t know what is up with my dreams lately. Anyways, something really bad had just happened in Cambodia (yes, now I’m dreaming about Cambodia, oy). There was this guy, I think he was a new face in politics, a young guy, representing change for the country. At his wedding, these terrorists showed up and killed his entire family, his bride, and the whole wedding party. I saw it happen, it was horrible because he looked away for one second and he looked back just in time to see his bride beheaded. It was horrific.

They left him alive, and I think he came to Canada/the US for refuge. I don’t know, something like that. Then this horrific thing happened in Cambodia. The terrorists set off a bomb that was of ridiculous magnitudes and it basically blew up the entire country, killing 22.5 million people. I just looked it up and Cambodia has a population of 13 mil, so my dream was getting a little carried away.

Anyways! So I think everyone blamed this leader who fled the country, and they were looking for him, and for some reason Canada was in complete disarray. People were so scared and it was utter chaos. Like we were torn apart, and it was a scary place to be. Terrell and I were searching for people we knew, and we avoided eye contact with almost everyone we met because it was dangerous. We were trying to get to the university (I don’t know which one, it was not CMU) and everywhere people were fighting and beating the crap out of each other over race and culture. The streets were a mess, it looked like a slum in a third world country and was probably less safe.

After a hair-raising trip we made it, but there was no one there. There were papers and books everywhere, torn to pieces, dirty, broken windows. I was so scared but Terrell seemed relatively unphased. So we were wandering around the darkened university looking for people but hoping not to run into anyone at the same time. Very weird and scary and depressing. I woke up feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing and only wish the very best on the people of Cambodia.

day ten.

LYRIC.

But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth. My heart is crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…you cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.

- Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love (Spirit)

GRATEFUL.

I am so thankful for time alone. I love being with Terrell, I love being with the Wiebes, but it seems like every Thursday I love just coming home and being alone for an hour. It actually takes a lot from me to make myself walk over to their house for supper just because it’s so nice to get that time, it helps me refuel myself.

WANTS.

I wish I was better at managing my time. I feel like I am a very successful time waster. It always seems like I can look at the clock at any point, or the calendar for that matter and be like, what the crap? What have I done in this time? I feel so vamped up to do things but then I am too lazy to do them. For example, I do waste too much time on Facebook, and I know that. But I don’t feel like deleting my account would fix it – I would just fill that time reading some celeb gossip site or something. So I went through my friend list and deleted people whose profiles I never look at, who I am not really friends in real life with in an attempt to keep me from mindlessly looking at pictures of people I don’t care about. I deleted 70 friends. It felt good.

JOY.

Cutting Terrell’s hair in my kitchen listening to him tell me all about his day. I could just listen to him talk for hours, what he thinks and how he feels fascinates me. It was especially great to hear him talk about how happy he is that I have so many interests, dreams and ambitions, and encourage me to pursue them. It means so much to me.

LOVES.

Daddy dearest is the very best. I actually can’t imagine having better parents. My dad is such a loving person, the epitome of hilarious. He’s such a cute old man, and he gets offended when I call him old. He lets me dye his hair blond and just laughs when it turns out pink. He has shown me what a man of God should be like, a spiritual leader and his faith has a quiet humility that I really admire. He makes fun of how I talk; while he’s watching sports there is no possible way to reach him. He can point his nose (it looks like a house). His obliviousness sometimes KILLS me, as does his falsetto while singing along to oldies. He introduced me to the good music, like Buddy Holly and The Righteous Brothers. He is a great son, husband, father, brother, friend. He LOVES my mom, I think its so beautiful that even after 28 years, she’s still the same to him and he adores her the way he did then. Makes me hopeful. I’ve always wanted to marry a man just like my daddy, he’s just the best there ever was.