reminisce

I was reading back over my blog because I was interviewed for CMU Sunday Radio this mornign about my Outtatown experience and I wanted to refresh my mind with some memories.

Looking back over my posts, I saw that I posted 100 times in 2006 (!). That is out of this world!

Not only was I posting often, but I usually had like 3-5 comments on each post. My friends and I were constantly commenting on each other's blogs.

It made me just miss those days when we all posted so frequently and had our own little network, and stayed in touch that way. :(

I wish I felt like posting more.

And I miss all y'all.

Just sayin'.

the consuming word

its that time of the month again - sermon writing time.

the thing that annoys me about writing a sermon is that it MATTERS.

unlike the papers i wrote in school - they didn't matter. they just needed to be written so i could fulfill the 25% or 40% of my final grade.

sometimes it felt like grammar mattered more than content, that how i said what i said mattered more that what i was actually saying.

not that i wrote bad papers while i was in university. they were well done, and i put a lot of effort into them. but only one person read it (the prof) and writing them didn't affect my life.

the main thing is that when i took a break from writing papers, it was a break. i never thought of it. i went to bed and didn't think of the subject, i watched movies and ate food and stopped thinking about prayer and superstition or thomas muntzer.

with sermons, i cannot stop thinking about it. i lie in bed worrying about it. i make supper and ponder the meaning of the text. i pour over books and the internet trying to find examples that are meaningful and personal. i drive to and from work wondering if i am living out what i am saying in the sermon, if my example are clear, how to put all my thoughts together. i am afraid that i will come across as insincere instead of genuine, if people will think i am a phony. i kill my back and and eyes staring at my computer for days on end and feel like crying when at the end of the day i have only written 300 words that i will actually use in my sermon.

what i say in my sermon MATTERS. i am supposed to be nurturing people. challenging people. they need to relate to it - it has to be inclusive. it has to sound good - not just be read, but spoken. i need to write it to fill a need. and what i say in my sermon will be analyzed and critiqued, not just for marks, but for who i am as a person or faith and what i believe.

i cannot walk away; i can't seem to take a break. it follows me. i look at people interacting with each other and search for a way to include what they are doing into my sermon. i read the text over and over. i read the passages around the text. i memorize the text.

writing a sermon is so difficult because i can never escape. i am continuously caught by the consuming word.

recess

its kinda funny how just one tiny thing can take you right back to the emotional state of being 10 years old.

a few days ago i was in terrell's apartment and as i was leaving, friend after friend of ours was coming into the apartment with food. they had decided to all make supper togeher and eat together, each person bringing different foods that were cooked together to create a dish.

i felt really awkward, because terrell was invited, and my roomate was participating, and i knew nothing about it. so i went back to my room to eat supper by myself in my apartment.

before i left terrell said i should stay if i wanted to, but i felt awkward because i didn't have any food to contribute to the meal. i also just felt awkward because frankly, i wasn't invited. even though terrell invited me in that moment (and his roomate sort of invited me to stay as i was leaving), i already felt shafted and didn't feel like staying. does anyone else get that? or am i alone here and you think i was being dumb for not staying?

(as an aside, i might have stayed after terrell's invite but i had a massive migraine and just needed quiet)

well i got back to my apartment and made a salad and was on the verge of tears the entire time. i thought at one point i might actually cry...and i felt ridiculous about it!! my friends didn't forget me to be mean, or to make some point...they just forgot, and in our busy lives i can't blame them. but i still felt like i was in grade 6 and my friends started playing a cool game at recess without me and then when i showed up they said i could be the maid while they were all princesses (hey, thats the way it was in the '90s).

i am not telling this story to make anyone feel bad, or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to point out that a person can be quickly approaching 25 and still feel like a prepubescent.

people are weird.