Gah, this one has been difficult to write because I haven't wanted to think about it. I guess just because I need to write about it doesn't mean I need to write out a big long thing, although maybe at one time that would be therapeutic for me. So we'll see how long this gets and then this week is over and we can move onto the next topic.
The hardest thing I have ever experienced was almost a year ago when I suffered an early miscarriage. It was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had taken a positive pregnancy test and was just starting to feel as though it was actually true - Terrell and I both said earlier that day that after sitting on it for a while, it finally felt real that we were pregnant.
That weekend we were at CMU at a conference, and in between sessions we went out for supper with a friend. We had a great time and ate great food and the whole while I felt like I was busting with a secret that was so delicious and so kept to ourselves. At the end of our meal, I went to the washroom and was alarmed to see some pink on the toilet paper. I immediately started praying and hoping that it was just light spotting, which is totally normal.
We went back to CMU and I could hardly think during the session I was so worried. I knew by the end of the session by the cramps I was feeling what I was experiencing. I didn't want to talk to anyone and quickly rushed Terrell out the door. For some reason on the way home I didn't say anything about it to Terrell - I think I was in shock and denial. Once we got home and I went to the bathroom it was inevitable. I came out and told Terrell what I believed to be happening and immediately got on the computer to do a bit of research.
After that, I spent the evening either on the couch or in the bathroom. I bawled. I hardly slept that night. The conference continued into the next day but I didn't go. I told Terrell to go because I preferred to be alone and pretty much spent the day in the bathroom so it was good to have him out of the house.
I don't know what to say other than that it is something I do not wish upon anyone to go through. The worst of it was not just knowing in your mind that you are no longer pregnant, but having your body constantly reminding you as well was just salt in the wound. Plus, even after the bleeding is done there are other reminders for weeks. I had at least 6 weeks of HORRIBLE and humiliating breakouts on my face and no period. But I was lucky, some women miscarry for weeks and I only did for 3 or 4 days. We had a big service at church on Sunday that I was worship leading, singing in a women's group and being re-installed in my position during that I felt it was easier to stumble through than miss.
I don't know why I did that. When I look back on it and reflect on it, that was really stupid. We didn't tell a soul because we wanted it to be a big surprise when we did get pregnant so we didn't want people to know we were trying. Terrible idea! I should have told my family and my co-workers so I could have felt more supported. They would have helped me through it. But in the same way I almost didn't want any attention. Even writing this post makes me uncomfortable - not to share so vulnerably, but because I don't want to upset other people or really have a big response from it. Its weird - its almost like by not sharing about it I felt like it would go away and be like it never happened.
Its hard to remember the feelings I had for the next few months now that I am 18 weeks pregnant. I am so grateful to God for this pregnancy. I think I appreciate it more and see it as the gift it is knowing the sadness of loss. I pray every day that this baby will be healthy and strong, and so far my Dr. confirms just that. And overall this experience has given me such strong empathy with other women who experience the same thing, some so late in pregnancy. It is a comfort to know a God who can take all my sadness and anger with no offence, and one to trust in - He is faithful.
Sorry this was such a downer post!