30 Things Challenge: Week 7

What is your dream job and why?

I LOVE what I do for a living, but if I could do ANYTHING and get paid for it, here are some fun ideas:

- a professional cat cuddler (because cats are awesome)

- a judge on So You Think You Can Dance (because its the best show on the planet!)

- a cast member on Myth Busters (because they do awesome things! and that would mean I'm good at science, which I am not)

- a professional ice cream taster (because, duh)

- an artist (because I desperately wish I could create beautiful things. It looks so freeing to do so)

I could think of more, but I'll leave it here!

30 Things Challenge: Week 6

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Gah, this one has been difficult to write because I haven't wanted to think about it. I guess just because I need to write about it doesn't mean I need to write out a big long thing, although maybe at one time that would be therapeutic for me. So we'll see how long this gets and then this week is over and we can move onto the next topic.

The hardest thing I have ever experienced was almost a year ago when I suffered an early miscarriage. It was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had taken a positive pregnancy test and was just starting to feel as though it was actually true - Terrell and I both said earlier that day that after sitting on it for a while, it finally felt real that we were pregnant.

That weekend we were at CMU at a conference, and in between sessions we went out for supper with a friend. We had a great time and ate great food and the whole while I felt like I was busting with a secret that was so delicious and so kept to ourselves. At the end of our meal, I went to the washroom and was alarmed to see some pink on the toilet paper. I immediately started praying and hoping that it was just light spotting, which is totally normal.

We went back to CMU and I could hardly think during the session I was so worried. I knew by the end of the session by the cramps I was feeling what I was experiencing. I didn't want to talk to anyone and quickly rushed Terrell out the door. For some reason on the way home I didn't say anything about it to Terrell - I think I was in shock and denial. Once we got home and I went to the bathroom it was inevitable. I came out and told Terrell what I believed to be happening and immediately got on the computer to do a bit of research.

After that, I spent the evening either on the couch or in the bathroom. I bawled. I hardly slept that night. The conference continued into the next day but I didn't go. I told Terrell to go because I preferred to be alone and pretty much spent the day in the bathroom so it was good to have him out of the house.

I don't know what to say other than that it is something I do not wish upon anyone to go through. The worst of it was not just knowing in your mind that you are no longer pregnant, but having your body constantly reminding you as well was just salt in the wound. Plus, even after the bleeding is done there are other reminders for weeks. I had at least 6 weeks of HORRIBLE and humiliating breakouts on my face and no period. But I was lucky, some women miscarry for weeks and I only did for 3 or 4 days. We had a big service at church on Sunday that I was worship leading, singing in a women's group and being re-installed in my position during that I felt it was easier to stumble through than miss.

I don't know why I did that. When I look back on it and reflect on it, that was really stupid. We didn't tell a soul because we wanted it to be a big surprise when we did get pregnant so we didn't want people to know we were trying. Terrible idea! I should have told my family and my co-workers so I could have felt more supported. They would have helped me through it. But in the same way I almost didn't want any attention. Even writing this post makes me uncomfortable - not to share so vulnerably, but because I don't want to upset other people or really have a big response from it. Its weird - its almost like by not sharing about it I felt like it would go away and be like it never happened.

Its hard to remember the feelings I had for the next few months now that I am 18 weeks pregnant. I am so grateful to God for this pregnancy. I think I appreciate it more and see it as the gift it is knowing the sadness of loss. I pray every day that this baby will be healthy and strong, and so far my Dr. confirms just that. And overall this experience has given me such strong empathy with other women who experience the same thing, some so late in pregnancy. It is a comfort to know a God who can take all my sadness and anger with no offence, and one to trust in - He is faithful.

Sorry this was such a downer post!

30 Things Challenge: Week 5

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

 1. The thing that makes me the happiest right now is being pregnant!! Its awesome and so so exciting. And totally surreal. Now that the word is out there it almost feels even more surreal for some reason. I love looking down and seeing my growing belly, I love maternity jeans and I love knowing that there is a little person who's a mix of the person I love dearest in the world and myself that I'll get to meet in June!

2. I love being an auntie! My niece is actually so cute I can't even stand it. GAH. Seriously, she is so sweet and I feel sad that we don't get to see her more often. But being with her for so many days in a row at Christmas was the absolute best.

3. I love curling up on the couch and reading a good book. Nothing is better than getting lost in the story line of a book (and staying away from the frigid outdoors, to boot!). On Sunday I said to Terrell, "I just want to go home and read my book!" which is always the best. Currently I am reading the second book in Veronica Roth's Divergent series and I am enjoying the quick read.

4. I have some really awesome girl friends. I don't always have time to get together with them, but lately I've had a bunch of lady dates and they have been delightful and make me realize how blessed I am to have so many awesome women in my life! I hope that they (near, far, wher-EVER they are!) know how fabulous they are and how much I love them and they make me happy!

5. I love seeing my husband be excited for our baby. I see this in the way he smiles at my belly, diligently reads through baby name and pregnancy books, cooks meals while I'm napping, takes on work projects solo when I'm too tired to help, puts up with my strange and irregular eating habits, and drives me to my doctor appointments. He's basically the best.

...and for your viewing pleasure, my 15 week bump! 

Carrying high - yay heartburn!

30 Things Challenge: Week 4

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.

This is kinda fun, as I was 16 exactly 10 years ago. While I am only a small portion through my life (hopefully) I guess I do have some wisdom to impart on my teenage self.

1. You. Are. NOT. Fat. Seriously! Get that through your thick skull! Dress in a way that flatters your body type and you feel so much better about yourself.

2. You are capable, and smart, and valuable, and will accomplish more than you thought you were capable of someday.

3.  Tell your friends, family and parents how much you love them and how important they are to you. In 10 years from now you will reflect on all they were to you at this time and hope that they know how appreciated they were.

4. Dye your hair blue if you want to. Eventually you'll feel like you're too old to rock cookie monster hair.

5. Stop saying "that's gay" and "that's retarded." Eventually you'll realize that those are not nice or acceptable expressions, and those habits are hard to break!

6. Don't worry about not being kissed yet! When you finally do get your first kiss it will be from the only person you ever kiss or want to kiss. It was worth the wait. :)

7. Your next boyfriend...maybe just don't. Haha. Trust me. He doesn't like girls.

8. Really appreciate being a woman. Do so by standing up for other women. Don't constantly bash female celebrities (difficult, I know) but look for women who are role models who have integrity, intelligence, and are taking steps towards making progress for women. Yeah, you become a feminist.

9. Go sing for Grandpa while he's in the hospital. You'll feel silly at the time but if you don't you'll regret it later (believe me, I know).

10. Keep writing! You're in the hay-day of your blogging and journaling and you'll wish you were still as diligent as you are now later in life. Its fun, embarrassing and weird looking back on things you felt and wrote, but its also a great way to document your life.

PS - Quit saying you're dumb. So many times you say "this is dumb" or "but I'm just dumb" in posts and things but you're not. And its annoying to hear you keep saying that.

30 Things Challenge: Week 3

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

Ooh, this one is hard and easy at the same time! Its easy because I have a great relationship with my parents, but its difficult because there is so much I could say that its hard to put it into words to really do it justice.

As I was reflecting on this, I remembered a write up I did for a book for Mom and Dad that my siblings and I made them for their anniversary. It really says it all the best, so I will re-post what I wrote then - its still all 100% true today! Here goes:

Most people are embarrassed by their parents. Maybe it’s what they wear; maybe it’s the things they say. But I have never been embarrassed to have Mom and Dad as my parents. Not even as a teenager! I’ve always been proud that they are mine.

Mom and Dad have also had a huge impact on me with their example of faith and service to God. I remember coming downstairs in the morning and Mom would be eating breakfast at the table reading her Bible. That simple act of dedication and discipline really had an effect on me. I also remember being a teenager and talking to Mom about some huge decision that affected her and Mom’s attitude at the end of it was “God knows and He’ll do what’s right and in His will.”  I specifically remember thinking how much God must be in every part of Mom’s life, and how I hoped for myself to one day be like that, too.  Both Mom and Dad have also always been an amazing example in their dedication to the church, one that continues to impress and inspire me.

Mom and Dad are also the best when it comes to their commitment to their family – to each other, to their children, to their parents and in-laws, to their church family.  So much time, effort, and tears are put into their family and everyone in those circles feels their love and support.

Mom is my biggest role model and the person that I aspire to be in so many ways. I feel like I am at this beautiful age where I have so much I can learn from her. She is the best example to be of a loving, faithful wife; of a supportive, patient mother. She exemplifies the kind of daughter and daughter in law that I want to be – one that loves selflessly and gives endlessly.  If I am even half the parent she is I will have done a good job! Mom has always given me room to be myself and pursue my own interests, one of the greatest gifts of all.

While I am a lot like Mom, Dad has given me some of his qualities too. Dad loves to make connections with people – Dad had many hearts poured out to him on a bench in the Shopper’s Mall while waiting for the ladies to finish shopping. Dad also is always at the ready with a funny anecdote or story from his past…most of which we’ve heard already but love to hear told over and over again (always told with tears streaming down his face, of course! Even before the funny parts!). I think my Daddy also exists simply to give me joy. He is good-natured and everyone’s friend.

Some people are embarrassed by their parents, but not me. Mine are truly the best, and I’m so thankful for the family that God gave me. Everything I am today is a direct result of who they are. I hope I make them proud.

30 Things Challenge: Week 2

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Some of these may seem silly but they are all legitimate to me because of the physical response I have when I think of any of them - tight chest, pounding heart, sweating palms, cold chills, the urge to scream, etc.

1. I am terrified of clowns. When I see one I cry straightaway or at least run away with my heart pounding so hard I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack. I don't think I ever super loved clowns in my childhood but I didn't fear them - I think I even went as one for Halloween at one point! But when I was 14 I watched the movie It based on the Stephen King novel, and since then I have been terrified of clowns. Tim Curry was absolutely TERRIFYING as Pennywise, a clown who lives in the town's water system and eats children.   That opening scene where he appears by the clothesline and giggling terrified me to go into the yard every time Mom had laundry hanging on it; I was afraid to go to the bathroom by myself for a long time because of the scene where the sink talks; generally the film is gross and I am embarrassed that something I saw so late in life scarred me the way it did.

I am less afraid of sinks and laundry and things now, but I still hate clowns. And I also hate carnival music, by association. At the church I work at there is a nursery school in the basement. Every spring they have a clown theme and hang terrifying decorations on the wall. One day, I went down to the basement to fill my water bottle when I remembered the decorations (my back was to them). I immediately starting sweating and my heart was pounding and I couldn't wait to get out of there. So yes, I am a 26 year old adult who is terrified of people in white face paint with fake expressions painted on them. Yuck.

2. I am actually really afraid of bats. They are like mice with wings. GROSS! And they flutter around all unpredictably. Once, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and I thought, "what if there was a bat in our apartment?" and I actually almost hyperventilated and thought "then we'd have to move!" I could NOT live there if there were bats there. The flying foxes (aka cat sized bats) at the zoo give me a cold chill down my spine and a cold sweat simultaneously. Ew ew EW! This fear was unknown to me until I was 18 years old and had to go into a bat cave - the mouth of the cave was a wall of black. Vile.

3. A third fear is of people in my life dying. I cannot even think about any of my parents, husband or siblings dying - it makes me almost sick with dread. I actually don't know how I will continue to live if it ever happens. I am anxious about my aging grandparents. Now I have a newborn niece, someone else in my life that I could lose, especially as she is so small and delicate. My wonderful friends. I trust them all to God's care but I still fear them being taken away from me. This is a big one, and a real one, especially because I personally know almost 10 people my age who have one or no parents. These people are incredibly strong, as I don't know how they continued on after the death of their parent. I fear I don't have their strength.

30 Things Challenge: Week 1

List 20 random facts about yourself:

1. I love to dance - its the best stress reliever ever!

2. I have the potential to be a crazy cat lady. I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't married, I'd be a hoarder with like 8 cats and would live on dill pickle dip and chips. (so thank God I'm married! Ha ha.)

3. I think I'm OCD because if I spin around one way I have to go back, or else I am insanely disoriented. And I do this weird thing where I make crosses on my fingernails with my thumbs, and once I start I need to go through each finger, and then back, and then cross the pad of my fingers all the way through and back. I have tried to stop halfway through and it was terrible!

4. I always think I'm sick and I always self-diagnose via Wikipedia (bad, I know).

5. My biggest fear in the whole world is probably moths, followed closely by bats.

6. So I lied, I am actually also terrified of clowns, mannequins, people in masks and windows at night. I am basically scared of everything!

7. I hadn't thrown up in 5 years until yesterday. Not cool, flu, not cool.

8. I think tears are my coping mechanism for everything. When I am happy, sad, excited, scared, frustrated, moved, entertained, thankful, angry, relieved, stressed...I just cry. So I cry alot.

9. My first kiss was when I was 19 years old on a beach in Mozambique, Africa, under the most fantastic stars with the only boy I've ever been in love with. Top that, y'all!

10. I've only ever kissed one boy and I'm actually really proud of it.

11. I like colouring in colouring books. Its satisfactory to stay within the lines.

12. I could wear dresses and skirts every single day. I don't care what anyone says, they are so comfy and I love being a girl and getting fun options when it comes to clothes!

13. My favorite place to be is anywhere with my whole family. We have way too much fun and I never laugh harder!

14. I love autumn, its my favorite season. The colours are amazing and it looks like all of nature is worshipping God. And I get to wear tights and boots and drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Yum!

15. I'm REALLY so bad at math that its REALLY embarrassing and I REALLY hate all things math as a result. This is why I hate money games like Monopoly, Payday, etc. I will not play them.

16. My friends and I used to choreograph dance routines to Backstreet Boys songs and would video tape ourselves doing them. Yeah, I was cool.

17. I am really good and remembering unimportant things, even about other people. I always remember what Terrell ate/did a week ago when he has no recollection. I will always remember on Outtatown when Caryn would ask me what she did last week and I would tell her, and I even remember things she did that I didn't do with her!

18. As a result of this, I learn songs REALLY quickly. Like lyrics etc. Its pretty sweet.
 

19. When I remember these songs, I always remember the correct key they were sung in, and can sing it for you. Its really hard for me to sing it in a different key once that one's in my head.

20. I am convinced that I will die in a car accident, so much so that I only signed my organ donor card two years ago because I was convinced the day I signed it I would die.

Thirty Things Challenge

Well, I have certainly sucked at blogging over the past few years. I need something to motivate me, and so I think I'll try to tackle this challenge. Its meant to be done over a month, but I think I'll do one a week (so its more feasible that I actually accomplish this!). I found this on someone's Pinterest and decided to give it a go - the link to the blog I found it on is below. I'll start this upcoming week and see how it goes! Wish me luck!

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

i miss...

...beautiful costa rica!

day 31.

31. something funny.

this is from what is quite possibly one of the funniest moments of my life. oh my word. i still laugh out loud to this day when i think about it!!

day 30.

30. you, then

here i am at my high school graduation with curtis, my grad escort. i had no idea what life had in store for me back then!

day 29.

29. errand.

since we've gotten to costa rica we've needed to grocery shop once or twice. here is the place we've been shopping at!

day 28.

28. a good thing

sometimes i'm a good girl and eat breakfast. if i eat its steel cut oats, or i drink a green smoothie, which is really good for me! it looks kinda gross but tastes sooooo yummy! it has almond milk, cocoa powder, spinach, a frozen banana, frozen raspberries, chia seeds, and cinnamon in it. YUM! i try to drink them at least twice a week, although eventually i'd like to get to every day!

day 27.

27. love/hate

my biggest love/hate relationship is with my hair. GAH! don't like it short, its tangled and annoying when its long, and i never have any idea how to style it. sometimes i wish it was more curly, other times i wish it was more straight, and it never does what i want it to! oh, hair.

day 26.

26. near

we are staying very near the pool and beach these days!

day 25.

25. frame

at zach and julie's wedding, in a frame.

day 24.

24. 3 things.

3 of my favorite things: laughing til you cry, singing your heart out, and DANCING YOUR BUTT OFF (all with people you love!).

day 23.

23. before bedtime

every night before bed we watch friends. it comes on at 11:00 and its just too hard to not watch it. love this show!

day 22.

22. up

i'm going up in a plane tomorrow!!!!!

day 21.

21. sometimes.

sometimes i try baking a recipe i found on pinterest, and its a total epic FAIL! these cookies were HORRIBLE and wouldn't budge off of the parchment paper.