reminisce

I was reading back over my blog because I was interviewed for CMU Sunday Radio this mornign about my Outtatown experience and I wanted to refresh my mind with some memories.

Looking back over my posts, I saw that I posted 100 times in 2006 (!). That is out of this world!

Not only was I posting often, but I usually had like 3-5 comments on each post. My friends and I were constantly commenting on each other's blogs.

It made me just miss those days when we all posted so frequently and had our own little network, and stayed in touch that way. :(

I wish I felt like posting more.

And I miss all y'all.

Just sayin'.

the consuming word

its that time of the month again - sermon writing time.

the thing that annoys me about writing a sermon is that it MATTERS.

unlike the papers i wrote in school - they didn't matter. they just needed to be written so i could fulfill the 25% or 40% of my final grade.

sometimes it felt like grammar mattered more than content, that how i said what i said mattered more that what i was actually saying.

not that i wrote bad papers while i was in university. they were well done, and i put a lot of effort into them. but only one person read it (the prof) and writing them didn't affect my life.

the main thing is that when i took a break from writing papers, it was a break. i never thought of it. i went to bed and didn't think of the subject, i watched movies and ate food and stopped thinking about prayer and superstition or thomas muntzer.

with sermons, i cannot stop thinking about it. i lie in bed worrying about it. i make supper and ponder the meaning of the text. i pour over books and the internet trying to find examples that are meaningful and personal. i drive to and from work wondering if i am living out what i am saying in the sermon, if my example are clear, how to put all my thoughts together. i am afraid that i will come across as insincere instead of genuine, if people will think i am a phony. i kill my back and and eyes staring at my computer for days on end and feel like crying when at the end of the day i have only written 300 words that i will actually use in my sermon.

what i say in my sermon MATTERS. i am supposed to be nurturing people. challenging people. they need to relate to it - it has to be inclusive. it has to sound good - not just be read, but spoken. i need to write it to fill a need. and what i say in my sermon will be analyzed and critiqued, not just for marks, but for who i am as a person or faith and what i believe.

i cannot walk away; i can't seem to take a break. it follows me. i look at people interacting with each other and search for a way to include what they are doing into my sermon. i read the text over and over. i read the passages around the text. i memorize the text.

writing a sermon is so difficult because i can never escape. i am continuously caught by the consuming word.

recess

its kinda funny how just one tiny thing can take you right back to the emotional state of being 10 years old.

a few days ago i was in terrell's apartment and as i was leaving, friend after friend of ours was coming into the apartment with food. they had decided to all make supper togeher and eat together, each person bringing different foods that were cooked together to create a dish.

i felt really awkward, because terrell was invited, and my roomate was participating, and i knew nothing about it. so i went back to my room to eat supper by myself in my apartment.

before i left terrell said i should stay if i wanted to, but i felt awkward because i didn't have any food to contribute to the meal. i also just felt awkward because frankly, i wasn't invited. even though terrell invited me in that moment (and his roomate sort of invited me to stay as i was leaving), i already felt shafted and didn't feel like staying. does anyone else get that? or am i alone here and you think i was being dumb for not staying?

(as an aside, i might have stayed after terrell's invite but i had a massive migraine and just needed quiet)

well i got back to my apartment and made a salad and was on the verge of tears the entire time. i thought at one point i might actually cry...and i felt ridiculous about it!! my friends didn't forget me to be mean, or to make some point...they just forgot, and in our busy lives i can't blame them. but i still felt like i was in grade 6 and my friends started playing a cool game at recess without me and then when i showed up they said i could be the maid while they were all princesses (hey, thats the way it was in the '90s).

i am not telling this story to make anyone feel bad, or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to point out that a person can be quickly approaching 25 and still feel like a prepubescent.

people are weird.

Sam Tsui

IS MY HERO!!!

this is seriously SICK. terrell showed me this and his version of "don't stop believin'" by journey today and i nearly lost it. he is amazing!! he has an incredible voice, and yes, that is him 6 times singing each of the 6 parts. his producer is the one beatboxing on the left.

so check this out - the michael jackson medley. i nearly died!

sunshine!

...here comes the sun...do do do do....

cold weather is so much more bearable with sunshine! :)

my life is busy and hectic and that stresses me out sometimes.

when will i find time to get everything done??

but its also really good.

yesterday i was feeling inspired so i made a wedding binder!

it has all my receipts and important stuff like that in it. pretty sweet!

its blue and brown (like my wedding colors) and that makes me happy.

also, i am happy because i have been reconnecting more with old friends this year, like ashley and brynne. they have always been friends but i see them lots this year and its been just wonderful! it reminds me why we've been friends for so long. :)

i love coffee....mmm....

...and sunshine!

rainy day(s)

this weather = the PITS.


seriously...

i need sun. i can't go six days in a row with no sun

without feeling depressed.



this weather makes me feel like hiding.


....or disappearing

i want to curl up in my blankets and block out the world,
because all i can see out my window is grey BLECH and dull sky.

seriously...


where is the sun?

God With Us - MercyMe

(my fave song of the moment. i recommend listening to it, i get chills)

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us?
What do You see
That's worth looking our way?
We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

ENGAGED!!!!

so i guess its finally safe to put out there on my blog...

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

terrell proposed and now we are engaged and it is lovely and happy. :)

it happened on our 3.5 year anniversary, on september 23.

we set the date for may 1, 2o1o. so in a few months from now, i will be mrs. wiebe.

WOW.

but most of all, i get to marry my best friend, the person whom i never tire of or can stay mad at, who infinitely interests me in what he has to say, who makes me feel loved, valued and beautiful, who reveals to me each day the love that God has for me. and the person who makes me feel complete.

and now we will never be apart again!!!!

(hopefully)

time sucks.

sometimes i really hate time.

only because its the most reliably unrealibly reliable thing.

its reliable, because, well, its time. its set. it doesn't really change. 60 seconds per minute. 60 minutes per hour. 24 hours per day. and then it starts all over again.

so really, it should never be faster or slower. it should just be.

but in all actuality, it is rather inconsistant. because if it is supposed to be set...

how come when everyone i know is studying and i don't have to be time drags on forever? how come it seems to take millions of years for our 75 minute choir rehearsal to wrap up? why does it seem like hours for my tv show to load on my computer?

because time slows down sometimes?

then how is it that hours can pass when i feel like i just started a conversation with terrell? when i only have 20 minutes to finish an exam? why do i wake up exhausted every morning, feeling like the sun shot up into the sky quicker than it should have?

because time speeds up sometimes?

i really wish it wouldn't. i wish it would stop. not because i don't want to graduate, not because i don't want to write my exams. and not because i don't want to pack up my apartment.

(even though, in all honesty, i am really not looking forward to those last 2 things.)

i wish time would stop because every time i look at a calendar, i feel sick. every time i see how rapidly the end of april is approaching i want to cry. each night when i go to bed i cannot breathe. because each hour that passes is one hour closer to the hour that terrell drives away and doesn't come back for 4 months.

but of course, time will continue to speed along as usual. and then the summer will arrive and time will seem to stop, each minute equilavent to an hour.

i hate you time. you are really unfair.

unbeatable harmonies.

guaranteed to make me cry, every time.

blessed assurance - the isaacs

buddy holly.

today is the 50th anniversary of the day the music died.

whenever i think of buddy holly i wonder how much more he would have revolutionized the music industry if he wasn't on that plane that day.

he was only 22 and he had already done so much! too young to go, i think. it especially blows my mind now to think about because he was the same age as me.

enjoy this video of one of the greats. rip, buddy.

seven pounds.

so we saw 'seven pounds' today.

i can honestly say that it changed my outlook on life.

i know i sound incredibly dramatic, especially because i am going to talk about something that will most likely make me sound silly. but this movie affected me in a profound way and gave me an epiphany that i feel the need to share.

i have never filled out my organ donor card. call me superstitious, but i was pretty much convinced that the day i signed it i would die in a car accident. yes, laugh. but i just felt like signing meant it would happen sooner than later.

this movie has made me realize that if i do die, giving my organs mean that someone else lives. i know i sound stupid saying this because thats probably what everyone who is given a donor card thinks and already knows, but it really struck me just now. are there people that i love enough to die for? yes. if i do die, why not offer someone else the chance to live in my place?

you see i always avoided it because i think things like this, for example. i am heading back to winnipeg on sunday, and i am excited to see terrell. i think about how awful it would be to get in a car accident on the way there, with the last time i saw terrell being the last time i see him ever.

i realize that signing my donor card does not increase my chances. yet i almost felt like signing it was conceding to death.

i fully believe and understand now that it is not. and i feel that by signing my donor card, i am placing my trust in God, and not in superstition or fate. if i do die, which i am not hoping to do anytime soon, i feel assured that my death will have a purpose and that as a result of it, others will have a chance at life.

tonight at 10:10 pm, i signed my organ donor card.

i'm not afraid, and i'm not looking back.

i heart the hoppers.

so on tuesday night terrell and i went to a hoppers concert at grant memorial. it was basically amazing!! holy crap, they were mind-blowingly incredible and it was great to hear them live.

here is a video i took of them singing "jerusalem". it was basically the best thing ever. i only wish i had taped more songs, especially "yahweh" and "o holy night". so enjoy, y'all!

also, afterwards we went to their merch table and chatted with them. mama hopper even gave us a deal on two cd's and a dvd. it was amazing. what a great night!

apathetic is a pathetic way to be.

so i haven't really felt like myelf lately. i mean i've been fine, actually doing really well lately, but something just feels not quite right and i've had difficulty understanding it.

i figured it out today.

today was a political forum. the candidates representing the 4 parties were there talking about their platforms and why we should vote for them. the campus was all abuzz. all i had heard all weekend was talk of politics, what everyone is passionate about and why they are voting for so and so.

i haven't been able to talk politics; partly because i don't know much of anything, but mostly because i frankly don't care at all. and i know i should, its important, but i just don't care.

i went. i listened. i laughed a few times. i felt uncomfortable sometimes.

but nothing changed. i still don't care.

i was pondering why this was that i had so little interest when it hit me.

i have been lost to apathy.

yes, i admit it. i am apathetic. and not just towards politics.

i used to be a passionate person. about god, friendship, life, music, even school sometimes. i had many passions. and now i feel like i have none.

i know what i should be passionate about. i am just not.

i have lost my passion.

its really weird and annoying. its not how i want to be, its not who i should be. but it is largely who i am now.

its just so much easier to be apathetic. easy to not care because then no matter what the result of anything i am left unaffected.

apathy is a scary place to be. its scary because it is so easy to get stuck here.

so i guess i am writing this so i can be held accountable to not be apathetic, and get out of this rut.

also i am really just writing this out to make more sense of it.

thanks for listening.

sorry.

so i realize i kinda died with the 40 day challenge thing. the truth is i did in fact complete all 40 days. i was journalling them and then typing them, and by the end of the summer i just got too darn busy to type them out! if i didn't feel just as lazy now and could find the last few days, i would do so. so sorry everyone, i really enjoyed it and it was a great summer of blogging.

i will admit i haven't blogged since then out of shame. although i am busy i hope to periodically post little thoughts here and there when i can. this blog is my baby, and i refuze to let it die!

well thats all i really have to say. hopefully i'll post again soon.

love to all.

day twenty-six.

I will never go outside. I will never go back to being blind. I need shine, I need shine. I need shine. Step away from my light I need shine.

- Laura Marling, Shine (Alas, I Cannot Swim)

Okay boring lyrics I realize but really pretty melody and singing in that part of the song. Man I am loving that CD lately.

I love sleeping in, relaxing, making some coffee, sitting in my chair and reading while drinking a coffee. I am grateful for having nothing to do.

I want to finish my book so I can look up what was real and what wasn’t. I am reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, which is turning out to be a sometimes interesting and sometimes boring I-will-skim-the-next-page, this-man-repeats-himself-so-freaking-much. And he is a really unlikeable person, I find, so cocky and self-righteous. Anyhoo its supposed to be a memoir but apparently he made up a lot of it and I am curious as to what.

Tonight Kelly was showing me her yearbook and I was like, man, this yearbook stinks like feet! This has to be the smelliest yearbook of life. And then she goes and gets another yearbook and says, no, this one is probably the smelliest. On the cover of said yearbook was a pair of footprints. Laughs were had!

I love Sandra, Kelly and Ryan's mom. She is so sweet and so beautiful and just awesome. I have always felt close to her, from the first time we met. She has that quality that just draws you to her. She has always been so kind to me as well. Tonight she was hula dancing talking about their trip to Hawaii and it was so funny and so...Sandra. She's just a great person and I really love talking to her and being around her.

day twenty-five.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good.

- Michael Bublé, Feeling Good (Caught in the Act)

After talking about CMU for a long time at supper tonight, I must say that I am really grateful that I am planning on graduating in 3 years with my three-year degree without taking a full course-load. So good. I feel very blessed that it has worked out for me to do the university thing successfully without stressing myself out beyond what I could handle (although there have been times where I was stressed to the max and I’m sure those times will come again). I look forward to (hopefully) having another successful year!

I want this next school year to go really well. I want to have fun and enjoy it but also work hard and be successful academically and on student council. I also hope that my rooming situation goes smoothly and that my room and floor is a fun but productive and peaceful place to be. Oh man talking about this is getting me excited about it! I want to put all this stuff in God’s hands and have Him take the lead on it.

We were at this crazy Italian restaurant in Windsor tonight and the soup of the day was cream of potato. It was full of dill and smelled like Baba’s house! Also, I told the story of Tyler’s purple pants at The Dark Knight and Nonie was laughing so hard that the waiter asked her what was going on and she said, “Have you seen The Dark Knight? Well, it’s really not that funny,” and then burst out laughing again. Oh, good times.

At work there was a BBQ today and I sat with all the pregnant women from my unit and they are all quite funny. One of the women, Darcey, was telling a story that she swore during. She immediately turned to me and was like, oh dear I am so sorry I really shouldn’t say those words in front of you! And I laughed. I love that the women I work with are always concerned about offending me, especially because I have never commented on their language at all. She made me happy.

ALSO: Our waiter tonight was very funny. An Irish boy working at an Italian restaurant telling us things that made him seem incredibly nerdy, like his favorite werewolf movie and how he buys graphic novels and how The Dark Knight shouldn’t be named what it is because it doesn’t ring true to the graphic novel. Hoo boy, he was nerdy but open with us and I appreciate him for it.

day twenty-four.

You know the world can see us in a way that’s different than who we are, creating space between us ‘til we’re separate hearts. But your faith gives me strength, strength to believe – we’re breaking free.

- Zach Efron & Vanessa Hudgens, Breaking Free (High School Musical Soundtrack)

I am grateful for working at home – I love it I love it I love it!

I am also so grateful for my house. I love it, I don’t want to move out. :(

I want to stop feeling so freaking lazy and actually get up off my butt once in a while! I feel like I am wasting away, lying around all evening but I also feel too flipping tired to move or care. So some energy and motivation would be great.

Kristin called me tonight and it was really, really exciting! I was so happy! We talked for an hour and a half and it was so nice to just rant and laugh and talk to my sister and friend. Oh man oh man.

I love Kelly. Kelly! She is so funny and I like that even though she has friends and a life, she takes time out of her schedule to hang out with a boring old lady like myself. She always makes me laugh, and I love that I can make her squirt things out of her nose. She’s awkward in this fun way, and she is absolutely beautiful. And trendy. And she loves Disney Channel movies and is more obsessed with Facebook than I am – is it possible? I love how she is incapable of putting on mascara without stabbing herself in the eye. She is just a great girl, I have so much fun when she’s around. She is lovely and I can’t wait until we start our band .chemical.banana.pants. It will rock.

day twenty-three.

If you just realize what I just realized that we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another. Just realize what I just realized…

- Colbie Caillat, Realize (Coco)

I am grateful for being outside after spending the whole day inside. I am grateful for this nice weather!

I want people at work to stop putting me in the middle of their arguments and talk to each other about stuff instead of me. I wish that people would talk to the person they have an issue with instead of spreading it all around the office and taking their anger out on someone else.

Moment of pure joy…when Terrell said he would bike home from volleyball and I could drive the car. I was SO COLD and so driving back was excellent. Also, I made it there by myself without even thinking about it or getting lost. Yeah!

Thinking back to last summer, going out for supper with Ms. Nashly Bali. So good. I love that girl. Just an honest, pure heart for God and genuine concern for others. She is so silly too. I miss not seeing her this summer, I saw her alot last summer! I just always feel listened to and cared for when she’s around. I miss having someone to pray with, she and I always prayed together about everything. I miss her.

day twenty-two.

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it)

You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it)

You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want

But I know, I know

Your love is just a lie

It's nothing but a lie

-Simple Plan, Your Love is a Lie (Simple Plan)

Stupid Simple Plan. That was the last song I heard on the radio at work today and now it’s stuck in my head. Oy.

I love that Terrell and I can talk about anything, that I can tell him anything and instead of it scaring him away, it just brings us closer together. I am so grateful for that, that we are just continuing to grow together as time passes. Oh man I love that. I am just so thankful for someone who accepts me for who I am, who sees all my crap and loves me for it.

I want God to figure out my future because I don’t want to.

…happiness is talking about spending the rest of your lives together with the one you love…

Today I thought about Pat Tanchak telling Terrell the first time they met, “see you at the wedding” as we left. And Nonie was there, and it was awkward. Oh, Pat. She is lovely and loves to make things awkward. I appreciate that.