time sucks.

sometimes i really hate time.

only because its the most reliably unrealibly reliable thing.

its reliable, because, well, its time. its set. it doesn't really change. 60 seconds per minute. 60 minutes per hour. 24 hours per day. and then it starts all over again.

so really, it should never be faster or slower. it should just be.

but in all actuality, it is rather inconsistant. because if it is supposed to be set...

how come when everyone i know is studying and i don't have to be time drags on forever? how come it seems to take millions of years for our 75 minute choir rehearsal to wrap up? why does it seem like hours for my tv show to load on my computer?

because time slows down sometimes?

then how is it that hours can pass when i feel like i just started a conversation with terrell? when i only have 20 minutes to finish an exam? why do i wake up exhausted every morning, feeling like the sun shot up into the sky quicker than it should have?

because time speeds up sometimes?

i really wish it wouldn't. i wish it would stop. not because i don't want to graduate, not because i don't want to write my exams. and not because i don't want to pack up my apartment.

(even though, in all honesty, i am really not looking forward to those last 2 things.)

i wish time would stop because every time i look at a calendar, i feel sick. every time i see how rapidly the end of april is approaching i want to cry. each night when i go to bed i cannot breathe. because each hour that passes is one hour closer to the hour that terrell drives away and doesn't come back for 4 months.

but of course, time will continue to speed along as usual. and then the summer will arrive and time will seem to stop, each minute equilavent to an hour.

i hate you time. you are really unfair.

unbeatable harmonies.

guaranteed to make me cry, every time.

blessed assurance - the isaacs

buddy holly.

today is the 50th anniversary of the day the music died.

whenever i think of buddy holly i wonder how much more he would have revolutionized the music industry if he wasn't on that plane that day.

he was only 22 and he had already done so much! too young to go, i think. it especially blows my mind now to think about because he was the same age as me.

enjoy this video of one of the greats. rip, buddy.

seven pounds.

so we saw 'seven pounds' today.

i can honestly say that it changed my outlook on life.

i know i sound incredibly dramatic, especially because i am going to talk about something that will most likely make me sound silly. but this movie affected me in a profound way and gave me an epiphany that i feel the need to share.

i have never filled out my organ donor card. call me superstitious, but i was pretty much convinced that the day i signed it i would die in a car accident. yes, laugh. but i just felt like signing meant it would happen sooner than later.

this movie has made me realize that if i do die, giving my organs mean that someone else lives. i know i sound stupid saying this because thats probably what everyone who is given a donor card thinks and already knows, but it really struck me just now. are there people that i love enough to die for? yes. if i do die, why not offer someone else the chance to live in my place?

you see i always avoided it because i think things like this, for example. i am heading back to winnipeg on sunday, and i am excited to see terrell. i think about how awful it would be to get in a car accident on the way there, with the last time i saw terrell being the last time i see him ever.

i realize that signing my donor card does not increase my chances. yet i almost felt like signing it was conceding to death.

i fully believe and understand now that it is not. and i feel that by signing my donor card, i am placing my trust in God, and not in superstition or fate. if i do die, which i am not hoping to do anytime soon, i feel assured that my death will have a purpose and that as a result of it, others will have a chance at life.

tonight at 10:10 pm, i signed my organ donor card.

i'm not afraid, and i'm not looking back.

i heart the hoppers.

so on tuesday night terrell and i went to a hoppers concert at grant memorial. it was basically amazing!! holy crap, they were mind-blowingly incredible and it was great to hear them live.

here is a video i took of them singing "jerusalem". it was basically the best thing ever. i only wish i had taped more songs, especially "yahweh" and "o holy night". so enjoy, y'all!

also, afterwards we went to their merch table and chatted with them. mama hopper even gave us a deal on two cd's and a dvd. it was amazing. what a great night!

apathetic is a pathetic way to be.

so i haven't really felt like myelf lately. i mean i've been fine, actually doing really well lately, but something just feels not quite right and i've had difficulty understanding it.

i figured it out today.

today was a political forum. the candidates representing the 4 parties were there talking about their platforms and why we should vote for them. the campus was all abuzz. all i had heard all weekend was talk of politics, what everyone is passionate about and why they are voting for so and so.

i haven't been able to talk politics; partly because i don't know much of anything, but mostly because i frankly don't care at all. and i know i should, its important, but i just don't care.

i went. i listened. i laughed a few times. i felt uncomfortable sometimes.

but nothing changed. i still don't care.

i was pondering why this was that i had so little interest when it hit me.

i have been lost to apathy.

yes, i admit it. i am apathetic. and not just towards politics.

i used to be a passionate person. about god, friendship, life, music, even school sometimes. i had many passions. and now i feel like i have none.

i know what i should be passionate about. i am just not.

i have lost my passion.

its really weird and annoying. its not how i want to be, its not who i should be. but it is largely who i am now.

its just so much easier to be apathetic. easy to not care because then no matter what the result of anything i am left unaffected.

apathy is a scary place to be. its scary because it is so easy to get stuck here.

so i guess i am writing this so i can be held accountable to not be apathetic, and get out of this rut.

also i am really just writing this out to make more sense of it.

thanks for listening.

sorry.

so i realize i kinda died with the 40 day challenge thing. the truth is i did in fact complete all 40 days. i was journalling them and then typing them, and by the end of the summer i just got too darn busy to type them out! if i didn't feel just as lazy now and could find the last few days, i would do so. so sorry everyone, i really enjoyed it and it was a great summer of blogging.

i will admit i haven't blogged since then out of shame. although i am busy i hope to periodically post little thoughts here and there when i can. this blog is my baby, and i refuze to let it die!

well thats all i really have to say. hopefully i'll post again soon.

love to all.

day twenty-six.

I will never go outside. I will never go back to being blind. I need shine, I need shine. I need shine. Step away from my light I need shine.

- Laura Marling, Shine (Alas, I Cannot Swim)

Okay boring lyrics I realize but really pretty melody and singing in that part of the song. Man I am loving that CD lately.

I love sleeping in, relaxing, making some coffee, sitting in my chair and reading while drinking a coffee. I am grateful for having nothing to do.

I want to finish my book so I can look up what was real and what wasn’t. I am reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, which is turning out to be a sometimes interesting and sometimes boring I-will-skim-the-next-page, this-man-repeats-himself-so-freaking-much. And he is a really unlikeable person, I find, so cocky and self-righteous. Anyhoo its supposed to be a memoir but apparently he made up a lot of it and I am curious as to what.

Tonight Kelly was showing me her yearbook and I was like, man, this yearbook stinks like feet! This has to be the smelliest yearbook of life. And then she goes and gets another yearbook and says, no, this one is probably the smelliest. On the cover of said yearbook was a pair of footprints. Laughs were had!

I love Sandra, Kelly and Ryan's mom. She is so sweet and so beautiful and just awesome. I have always felt close to her, from the first time we met. She has that quality that just draws you to her. She has always been so kind to me as well. Tonight she was hula dancing talking about their trip to Hawaii and it was so funny and so...Sandra. She's just a great person and I really love talking to her and being around her.

day twenty-five.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good.

- Michael Bublé, Feeling Good (Caught in the Act)

After talking about CMU for a long time at supper tonight, I must say that I am really grateful that I am planning on graduating in 3 years with my three-year degree without taking a full course-load. So good. I feel very blessed that it has worked out for me to do the university thing successfully without stressing myself out beyond what I could handle (although there have been times where I was stressed to the max and I’m sure those times will come again). I look forward to (hopefully) having another successful year!

I want this next school year to go really well. I want to have fun and enjoy it but also work hard and be successful academically and on student council. I also hope that my rooming situation goes smoothly and that my room and floor is a fun but productive and peaceful place to be. Oh man talking about this is getting me excited about it! I want to put all this stuff in God’s hands and have Him take the lead on it.

We were at this crazy Italian restaurant in Windsor tonight and the soup of the day was cream of potato. It was full of dill and smelled like Baba’s house! Also, I told the story of Tyler’s purple pants at The Dark Knight and Nonie was laughing so hard that the waiter asked her what was going on and she said, “Have you seen The Dark Knight? Well, it’s really not that funny,” and then burst out laughing again. Oh, good times.

At work there was a BBQ today and I sat with all the pregnant women from my unit and they are all quite funny. One of the women, Darcey, was telling a story that she swore during. She immediately turned to me and was like, oh dear I am so sorry I really shouldn’t say those words in front of you! And I laughed. I love that the women I work with are always concerned about offending me, especially because I have never commented on their language at all. She made me happy.

ALSO: Our waiter tonight was very funny. An Irish boy working at an Italian restaurant telling us things that made him seem incredibly nerdy, like his favorite werewolf movie and how he buys graphic novels and how The Dark Knight shouldn’t be named what it is because it doesn’t ring true to the graphic novel. Hoo boy, he was nerdy but open with us and I appreciate him for it.

day twenty-four.

You know the world can see us in a way that’s different than who we are, creating space between us ‘til we’re separate hearts. But your faith gives me strength, strength to believe – we’re breaking free.

- Zach Efron & Vanessa Hudgens, Breaking Free (High School Musical Soundtrack)

I am grateful for working at home – I love it I love it I love it!

I am also so grateful for my house. I love it, I don’t want to move out. :(

I want to stop feeling so freaking lazy and actually get up off my butt once in a while! I feel like I am wasting away, lying around all evening but I also feel too flipping tired to move or care. So some energy and motivation would be great.

Kristin called me tonight and it was really, really exciting! I was so happy! We talked for an hour and a half and it was so nice to just rant and laugh and talk to my sister and friend. Oh man oh man.

I love Kelly. Kelly! She is so funny and I like that even though she has friends and a life, she takes time out of her schedule to hang out with a boring old lady like myself. She always makes me laugh, and I love that I can make her squirt things out of her nose. She’s awkward in this fun way, and she is absolutely beautiful. And trendy. And she loves Disney Channel movies and is more obsessed with Facebook than I am – is it possible? I love how she is incapable of putting on mascara without stabbing herself in the eye. She is just a great girl, I have so much fun when she’s around. She is lovely and I can’t wait until we start our band .chemical.banana.pants. It will rock.

day twenty-three.

If you just realize what I just realized that we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another. Just realize what I just realized…

- Colbie Caillat, Realize (Coco)

I am grateful for being outside after spending the whole day inside. I am grateful for this nice weather!

I want people at work to stop putting me in the middle of their arguments and talk to each other about stuff instead of me. I wish that people would talk to the person they have an issue with instead of spreading it all around the office and taking their anger out on someone else.

Moment of pure joy…when Terrell said he would bike home from volleyball and I could drive the car. I was SO COLD and so driving back was excellent. Also, I made it there by myself without even thinking about it or getting lost. Yeah!

Thinking back to last summer, going out for supper with Ms. Nashly Bali. So good. I love that girl. Just an honest, pure heart for God and genuine concern for others. She is so silly too. I miss not seeing her this summer, I saw her alot last summer! I just always feel listened to and cared for when she’s around. I miss having someone to pray with, she and I always prayed together about everything. I miss her.

day twenty-two.

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it)

You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it)

You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want

But I know, I know

Your love is just a lie

It's nothing but a lie

-Simple Plan, Your Love is a Lie (Simple Plan)

Stupid Simple Plan. That was the last song I heard on the radio at work today and now it’s stuck in my head. Oy.

I love that Terrell and I can talk about anything, that I can tell him anything and instead of it scaring him away, it just brings us closer together. I am so grateful for that, that we are just continuing to grow together as time passes. Oh man I love that. I am just so thankful for someone who accepts me for who I am, who sees all my crap and loves me for it.

I want God to figure out my future because I don’t want to.

…happiness is talking about spending the rest of your lives together with the one you love…

Today I thought about Pat Tanchak telling Terrell the first time they met, “see you at the wedding” as we left. And Nonie was there, and it was awkward. Oh, Pat. She is lovely and loves to make things awkward. I appreciate that.

wow.

listened to this song this morning. these words just nailed me. wow! how blessed are we that we never have to fear the darkness because God is stronger than it all!

(A Mighty Fortress is Our God - verse 3)

And though this world, with devils filled,

Should threaten to undo us,

We will not fear, for God hath willed

His truth to triumph through us.

The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;

His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure;

One little word shall fell him.

day twenty-one.

The mention of God makes me strange, the battle of words, and the wars we wage…sometimes I feel, my blood runs cold, and the conscious stain, won’t wash away. Tell me what are we waiting for?

- Crash Parallel, World We Know (Album Unknown)

I don’t really know what I’m grateful for today. Not that I’m being all emo and depressed but nothing is really jumping out at me. I guess that’s why I do this everyday, to find these little things in each day. Hmm...I guess I am grateful for prayer, that I love a God who wants to TALK to me, and LISTEN to me, even when I feel like I have nothing important or eloquent to say. I am so thankful to have people I my life who say, “I’ll pray for you” because I know some people feel like no ones cares enough to do that for them and I know how cared about that makes me feel to have someone pray for me.

I don’t know what I want either. Its weird, maybe I’m just having a weird day. I guess I’ve been thinking about the dark place I was in second semester at school, and I never want to go there again. I want to feel strong enough to fight it and never go there again. I hated that. Depression is a scary thing…sometimes I see little glimpses of it trying to rear its ugly head again and that frightens me. Like this past 3 days I have been fine and all but I feel an underlying feeling of anger at nothing and no one in particular. And that’s how it started last time – angry at nothing and sad at nothing and then one big pit of angry sadness all the time. I have been praying about it, and God is good. Don’t worry about me, I didn’t write this so everyone would be like, “aah! Are you okay?” Ha ha, it’s probably just PMS. Like actually.

Tonight at baseball when someone on Terrell’s team got a grand slam and we actually won!! It was really exciting and everyone was cheering like crazy. And then one of the girls watching was reminiscing about the school we were at, as it was her elementary school. She said fondly, “Oh, Gore Hill.” And everyone thought she said to the first base ump, “Oh, go to hell.” Pretty funny. I laughed about that for a while.

Hendrik von Lichtenstien wrote me a letter recently and it made me oh so happy. It was so good to hear from him. He always seems positive no matter what – even when stuff is kinda crappy he still looks for the positives and that’s sweet. I miss him, as if he and I are swapping Manitoba for Ontario and vice versa on the same day! That is sad. I can’t believe I won’t see him until Christmas, it’s a little ridic. When I do see him he is receiving a very large hug. I love that Henk goes golfing with my dad, I love that he will play scrabble with my parents even if I’m not home. I am so glad the military didn’t take away his clumsiness. Its bad enough they took Henk away and turned him into a man so his brother had to become Henk, because a Henk-free world is a sad place.

day twenty.

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing. Be my mirror, my sword, and shield, my missionaries in a foreign field. For some reason I can't explain I know Saint Peter will call my name. Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world.

- Coldplay, Viva la Vida (Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends)

I am so grateful for normalcy, for normalness, for being comfortable. Today after the young adults BBQ we were all doing different things, Terrell was downstairs on the computer, Bruce was watching TV, Nonie was outside reading on the deck, I was sitting in the front room reading/napping. It just felt so normal. I like that when I’m at their house it doesn’t feel like I have to be hanging out with someone at all times or doing everything they do. I mean we do hang out together often, but I am grateful that’s its not weird or awkward when we don’t.

I want to sleep until the END of TIME. I cannot seem to get untired. It’s very weird. I had a nap this afternoon, I slept in this morning, I am going to bed early. I just feel pooped 24/7 it seems, so I basically just want to sleep. I feel like I’ve slept the weekend away already and could continue to sleep through the week. Ha ha.

Sitting on Terrell’s deck helping him play a Lord of The Rings board game by himself. He tried to play by himself but couldn’t because he had to read cards and answer questions but the answers were bolded. So I just read the questions for him, fumbling through pronunciation of names like Eorn and I don’t even know what else and learning things that no one should possibly know about LOTR. But it was fun. I was very happy. But hot: HOTTEST DAY EVER.

Every time I watch a Corner Gas episode I think about my brother. I can’t help it; Brent reminds me so much of Jordan it’s ridic! It’s because he’s kind of like a big child, quite unobservant and his humor is just so similar to him that I laugh. The faces he pulls are the same too. I love how Jordan cranks his head in the most unnatural way while telling stories, how he is so full or random facts it’s unbelievable. I love how he is probably the least athletic person in the family but probably the most flexible (how does he twist himself into the pretzels he sits in?). He is my favorite person to watch a Bryce Family Classic movie with, for three reasons. 1) He makes a massive bowl of popcorn with the perfect amount of (lots of) butter. 2) He has all funny scenes memorized. And 3) he laughs the hardest out of us all, and how can I not laugh when he’s on the floor biting a pillow because he can’t handle it?

day nineteen.

Girl, where’d you get that body from?

I got it from my mama, I got it from my mama.

- will.i.am, I Got It from My Mama (Songs About Girls)

(This is because I was asked where I got my bread recipe from, and I responded, I got from my mama. Then there was no escaping this stupid song.)

After a really disturbing dream last night, it was so lovely to wake up and realize that none of it was real. Stupid book/The Dark Knight. It was also nice to just chill and have a super relaxing day at the Wiebes, reading and baking and fighting off my stupid summer cold.

I can’t think of anything I want right now. Other than more Cold FX. And for these good hair days to continue! Like 2 in a row, what is that? Even after sleeping/napping on it, it still looks good. Crazy.

Reading through all Terrell’s quotes from this past school year and dying laughing. Talking to Terrell about funny things that have happened to us/around us, retelling good stories like “making l-pancakes” and “it IS a man!” Just snuggling and talking and being happy.

I miss Michael Blatz. He is the only person who ever says, “I love it when you speak” and runs in to hug me from another room because he can hear me being ridiculous and thinks I’m funny. I miss living next door to him (next year again, baby!) and having random dance parties. I miss borrowing his cardigans and him asking me “are you naked?” whenever I am in the bathroom getting ready and he wants to talk to me. Watching Summerland and getting angry at the horrible plot and acting, but continuing to watch it all the same. He makes me laugh so much, and I always have so much fun with him. I just love that kid, and I am very excited to be reunited with him come fall.

day eighteen.

She never compromises; loves babies and surprises. Wears high heels when she exercises, ain’t it beautiful.
- Train, Meet Virginia (My Private Nation)

I am very grateful that this work week is done and now I get to have a weekend. I am exhausted!

I want to have faith in the human race, but sometimes I just can’t. In my book today was a way too detailed account of a disgusting act that I realize is very real and happens too regularly in society, which is why it upset me so much. For one thing, I am not ignorant and I realize that children are abused all over the world. It upsets me beyond belief; I once wanted to be a social worker specifically to fight that. But I know that my heart couldn’t take it, nor could my stomach. But in my defense, I did NOT need such a vivid account of it, I wish I could go back in time and erase it from my mind and not read that page because I am forever tainted and scarred by it. I ended up not sleeping until very late praying and praying because I was again reminded just how real it is. Just because I’m not thinking about it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Just because it’s never happened to me doesn’t mean its not happening to someone right now. I just wish that it never happened – its nights like tonight that make me realize how disgusting and fallen the human race is, that some of us are reduced to committing that act…it frightens me how angry it makes me, how injustice makes me feel violent. After that page I could not wait for that character to die what I hoped would be a horrific and painful death. He died in his sleep.

The best part of my day was laughing until I was crying and flailing and unable to stand or think or stop in the kitchen with Nonie reading a clipping Baba sent me in her last letter. I haven’t laughed like that in years. It was a clipping from Strath’s paper the year I was born. It was titled “Apology” and read something like, “The Bryce baby’s name in the last paper should have read JANNA and not MANNA, as was printed. Our sincerest apologies.” Oh man, that struck me as hilarious and she and I went like rag dolls draped over our chairs, unable to do anything but laugh. I was bawling, tears flowing, it was too hilarious. Now Nonie calls me Manna and I just tell her I really was heaven sent.

Karen, my dear Karen. She is a lovely Italian lady I work with who drives me home when I need a ride. She is also my confident and saving grace at work. A lovely Christian woman with a sincere heart for God, it has been amazing to have someone to connect with. She drove me home today and we talked for like 20 minutes afterwards. It was so great, she is so much fun and I don’t know if she realizes just how much I appreciate her. She looks like a young Mrs. Basso and she calls me ‘girl’ and I bet you she’d yell at you and tell you my widow’s peak is beautiful if she had the chance. Ha ha!

day seventeen.

Why don’t we end this lie? I can’t pretend this time. I need a friend to find my broken mind before it falls to pieces. Misery won’t get the best of me because I’m calling, yes I’m calling on your bluff. Throw down the cards I’ve had enough.

- Billy Talent, This Suffering (II)

I am so grateful for my job last summer. Watching the lawn people mow the grass today made me miss Betty (my New Holland front blade mower) SO VERY much! I miss the instant gratification of cutting grass, being proud of my accomplishments, beautifying the town. I miss getting lost in my thoughts, just mowing and thinking and praying and singing and getting paid for it. What a great job. I am so glad I had that last summer.

I want to work from home EVERY DAY. It was awesome. It was so great, putting little to no effort into my appearance, sitting in a room with WINDOWS and all natural light, playing any music I want as loud as I want, singing along, not listening to gossip or complaining, not internet to distract me, just me and tons or productivity. It was the best. I feel so rejuvenated. I am defs going to see if I can do this again next week. Plus: I loved having Terrell over for lunch! That was so nice. I think he enjoyed eating more than a sandwich as well.

Tonight Nonie was taking pictures of me to practice with her flash and lets just say if I had a dollar for every time she said, “I’m just going to take one more” I would have enough coffee money for the rest of the…week. Yeah I would say summer but that’s such an over exaggeration, considering how much coffee I consume on a weekly basis.

Thinking about last summer makes me think about my Baba. She fed me every lunch hour, and I miss our little chats. There was a good three summers in a row where I felt like I lived at Baba’s house because I worked in SL and was eating there/being fed by her daily. That was great. How I didn’t weigh a zillion pounds afterwards I’m not sure. I miss her, I miss her talking in third person, I miss her food, her garden, her obsession with birds. I miss her clip on earrings and aprons. No take everything I just said I miss and put the word love there instead. I love getting her letters. I hope she’s doing alright.

day sixteen.

I’m breaking dishes up in here all night (uh-huh)
I ain’t gon’ stop until I see police lights
Imma fight a man tonight, Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man, a man, a man.

- Rihanna, Breakin Dishes (Good Girl Gone Bad)

I am grateful for my boyfriend, who always knows what to say, who sticks up for me and tells me exactly what I need to hear at that moment. I am always so grateful for his prayers and for his support. He wants me to have dreams and to follow them, no matter what. I love that. I need that.

I want to know what the crap God wants me to do. I want to know why I am suddenly second guessing myself. I want to pretend that it didn’t upset me, but it did and now I don’t know what to do or say about it. I want to cry.

Nonie spoon feeding me yogurt during SYTYCD and getting it all over my face because she was so into the show that she was shoving the spoon into my face sideways with way too big of a scoop.

Nargus. I love you my dear. Thanks for forgetting your $200 phone bill and calling me when I needed to talk to a friend. I know we are both changing and our lives are both changing and perhaps our paths separate us at times but I really really hope that our paths keep crossing and eventually we will come back to each other as even better people and friends than we ever were before. You are very special to me and I only hope you get the best in life at all times. Thanks for being awesome, I miss you! Can’t wait for our pizza date!

day fifteen.

Song lyric:

This innocence is brilliant; I hope that it will stay. This moment is perfect, please don’t go away. I need you now. And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by.

- Avril Lavigne, Innocence (The Best Damn Thing)

Grateful for:

I love having relaxing nights! So good to just chill and be happy and rev up for the next day.

I want:

I want a new watch! Its weird not having one, I haven’t worn one in weeks. My rainbow one is about one wear away from tearing, which is so sad! I want a watch just like my old one. If anyone goes to Ardene and sees a rubbery blue rainbow watch that says rainbow all over it and says clearly, KID on the front (I guess it’s a kid’s watch? Lol) then please buy it for me! I will pay you back!

Moment of pure joy:

Cuddled on Terrell’s bed showing him how to use Facebook, and then setting him up with an account. I don’t know why we were both so happy after, but we were both mildly overcome with happiness after and it was most excellent.

I love:

Betty in the Café. Such a sweet girl! She is so cute, and I love how she always talks to me when she sees me. She does a great job in the Café as well. Every time I talk to her I remember why I am doing my job, and getting a little more inspired to do it well.