day fifteen.

Song lyric:

This innocence is brilliant; I hope that it will stay. This moment is perfect, please don’t go away. I need you now. And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by.

- Avril Lavigne, Innocence (The Best Damn Thing)

Grateful for:

I love having relaxing nights! So good to just chill and be happy and rev up for the next day.

I want:

I want a new watch! Its weird not having one, I haven’t worn one in weeks. My rainbow one is about one wear away from tearing, which is so sad! I want a watch just like my old one. If anyone goes to Ardene and sees a rubbery blue rainbow watch that says rainbow all over it and says clearly, KID on the front (I guess it’s a kid’s watch? Lol) then please buy it for me! I will pay you back!

Moment of pure joy:

Cuddled on Terrell’s bed showing him how to use Facebook, and then setting him up with an account. I don’t know why we were both so happy after, but we were both mildly overcome with happiness after and it was most excellent.

I love:

Betty in the Café. Such a sweet girl! She is so cute, and I love how she always talks to me when she sees me. She does a great job in the Café as well. Every time I talk to her I remember why I am doing my job, and getting a little more inspired to do it well.

day fourteen.

Silly songs with Larry:

When you are gone will I lose control? You are the only road I know, you show me where to go. Who will drive my soul?

- Lights, Drive My Soul (Lights EP)

For the love that He shares; cause He listens to my prayers, that’s why I give thanks everyday:

I am really happy to be here for stuff. Like I mean last summer Terrell always e-mailed me or talked to me on the phone about Monday night baseball, Wednesday night volleyball, his campfires with friends, the Mennonite Sale, and now I am here for all that stuff! Its amazing to me how normal it has become for me to be here – I see the same people at baseball every week, they expect me to be there. I’ve met so many people I never would have, its just really cool to here for stuff, be a part of Terrell’s home life.

If you want a big hat, we got that (oh, Madame Blueberry):

I only really want two things today.

1. a coffee.

2. a nap.

Can’t find a Veggie Tales lyric for joy or happy. Weird:

Watching baseball today made me happy. Had a funny moment or two with Adolph’s girlfriend, it was fun. And I talked to someone for a long time about CMU and felt all knowledgeable. It was fun times.

I love my lips:

I thought about my friend Janice a lot today. I remember the time she threw me a note across the room on Outtatown and told me she had to go number 2, but didn’t want to go in the bubble gum smelling porta potties at the Farm. Ha ha, we had so many great conversations on the bathroom floor in our cabin at Kawkawa at like 3 am, and bowel movements were only the tip of the iceberg. I love being at that place with friends, where they are comfortable talking about poop with you. Now that’s intimacy. I miss Janice, I wonder what she’s up to now?

day thirteen.

La-la-lyrics:

Woah, the Solid Rock, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. Woah, the Solid Rock, all other ground is sinking sand.

- 4 Him, The Solid Rock (Hymns: A Place of Worship)

Th-th-thankful:

I am so happy I grew up in a small town. Today we went to Alecia’s house for lunch and she lives in Hawkesville, a town of 250. I think its more like a suburb of people who don’t want to live in Waterloo but still stay very close to the city. Being there, walking around down the middle of the street, looking out over fields and a stream, so much green, the smell of manure in the air, the openness of the blue sky; it all reminded me so much of home. Other than the very nice houses and obvious wealth in Hawkesville, it reminded me a lot of Strath, being able to look out your window and be able to see your grandma’s house. I wouldn’t change my upbringing for anything, I was so spoiled to be so close to both grandparents and be in such a safe environment. At Alecia’s we were also talking about how many times we’ve moved, and compared to Terrell’s 8 (?) times I am very glad to say never at this point. Wow, what a blessing.

Wa-wa-want:

Well I know one thing, I want more talks like I had last night with Alecia, that was amazing. I want to raise my kids in a small town. I want to see Strathclair right now, I’m sure the fields are periwinkle and gold and beautiful right now, like a sparkling lake and a winding yellow brick road. I want to spend the rest of my life on the open road with Terrell, singing along to the Hairspray and Moulin Rouge soundtracks with the wind slowly tying my hair in knots. I want to go back in time and do this weekend again because that’s how much I enjoyed it.

Ju-ju-joy:

Today at Alecia’s church the VBS kids sang a song from their week, it was really good music and they had cute actions. There was this one woman watching the VBS slideshow who sang along to every word of the song and did the actions by herself in her pew. Later on, she stood up alone in the middle of the congregation in the middle of a chorus that everyone stayed seated for. I wanted to stand up, but I didn’t. But she did, she didn’t care what anyone thought or that nobody stood up with her. I loved that; I loved her passion, so honest and joyful. I just really loved Alecia’s church – it is the first church I have been to in a long time that was truly ALIVE. These people aren’t just plodding along; they are feeling it, living it, bursting with life at all ages. It was so refreshing to see.

Ello, ello, ello, L-O-V-E (ello, ello, ello):

I love Alecia!! Like seriously, GOOD JOB RYAN, you picked a great woman, you did! She is lovely. She is very genuine, sincere, and easy to talk to. It was amazing to talk to someone my age, also in a relationship, also in school, also a Christian struggling along, who lives in a small town, who has never moved, who is overly emotional, who is dating a boy the same as mine. Oh my goodness do we understand each other on that respect! We talked for hours last night! And if we weren’t so exhausted, and it wasn’t 3 am, we probably could’ve continued. I just feel like we have known each other for a very long time, even though we have only hung out like 4 times. She is just a wonderful person and I can’t say enough about how great it was to connect with a female my age again. I am sad we don’t see each other more often.

day twelve.

1. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom – let it be.

- Carol Woods, Let It Be (Across the Universe Soundtrack)

2. I am grateful for friends! I feel like these are people who bring out the best in each other and I feel like when we’re together we bring out the best in one another. Its so nice to talk to people without gossiping, with people who also love God and are trying hard to figure out what that means. I don’t know, its just really refreshing to make new friends with new people who are really GOOD people, and not in an annoying or unrealistic way.

3. I want this weekend to not end, I am rather liking it. I also have been thinking about friendships since I got to Leamington this summer. I don’t know, I really think God wants me to shape up in the friendship department. I mean I think that in some of my relationships we really bring out the bad parts of each other more than good. I also really disagree with a lot of aspects of my friends’ lifestyles. It doesn’t mean I dislike them or think I’m better than them, but I disagree with it and so I don’t want to be involved in that. And in some cases it takes up a lot of their time, whether it’s gossiping or moping or drinking, I don’t want to be involved really. So it makes it difficult to spend time with them, because I don’t want to offend them but I don’t want to be around that either. Being here and meeting some of the people I met makes me see what friendships can be like. I don’t want people to think I dislike them or anything, but I really am having my eyes opened to what it could be like to have a meaningful adult friendship with someone. So I guess I want direction as to where to go from here.

4. So many happy moments…playing bingo with old people, running through the pouring rain to the farmer’s market and getting absolutely soaked, watching Star Wars, playing Mario Kart with Terrell on a team, SEEING ALYSHA WOOLNER, talking way too late into the night with Alecia.

5. I love Alysha Woolner!! She is the most hilariously awkward person ever. She is so gorgeous, ALL THE TIME and is so funny and amazing and fun to be with. She flirts with me, asks weird questions, and makes passes at my boyfriend when he’s not paying attention. To top it all off, she tried to violate me in the most horrific way which made us all laugh until we cried. Oh Alysha, I miss you when we are apart. And I love you.

day eleven.

Soooooooooooong:

I’m in love with a girl who knows me better, fell for the woman just when I met her. Took my sweet time when I was bitter, someone understands.

-Gavin DeGraw, In Love with a Girl (Gavin DeGraw)

Graaaaaaaaaaaateful:

For safety on the road on the way to Windsor, and for being able to find Ryan’s house so easily! For fun with friends.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant:

I really want to have fun this weekend and just rest and chill and enjoy being away from work and home. I also want to see Alysha Woolner tomorrow!! I wish she would call me!

Joooooooooooooooy:

On the way to Waterloo today Terrell was like, “oh man, I really want to finish my book! I’m at the climax and only have like 30 pages left.” I was like, “What book is it? I can read it if you want.” And so I read him about 15 pages of Star Wars Episode III: Return of the Sith. It was fun! I got to stumble through some names and really wished I could Yoda’s voice. My favorite was the dramatic dialogue between Anakin and Padme on Mustafar. “I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

Also, I gave my boss a final copy of my first module and she came in singing “I’m so happy I could jump for joy” and hugged me. That was sweet.

Petting a sweet kitty who had the cutest squeak-pur I have ever heard.

Loooooooooooooove:

Ryan Petryschuk is a funny kid. Today on the way to Rogers to rent Jumper (a pretty awful movie, I really thought it was poor), Terrell and Alecia almost held hands by accident and so Ryan grabbed my hand so we formed a circle and started skipping. He then continued to skip for most of the way to Rogers. It was so funny! He reminds me so much of Terrell its crazy. He has a Baba, a great family, is so nice and incredibly dedicated to his education. I admire that. He’s a lot of fun and thinks I’m funny! So I’m sold, right?

Cambodia?

I had this crazy dream last night…I honestly don’t know what is up with my dreams lately. Anyways, something really bad had just happened in Cambodia (yes, now I’m dreaming about Cambodia, oy). There was this guy, I think he was a new face in politics, a young guy, representing change for the country. At his wedding, these terrorists showed up and killed his entire family, his bride, and the whole wedding party. I saw it happen, it was horrible because he looked away for one second and he looked back just in time to see his bride beheaded. It was horrific.

They left him alive, and I think he came to Canada/the US for refuge. I don’t know, something like that. Then this horrific thing happened in Cambodia. The terrorists set off a bomb that was of ridiculous magnitudes and it basically blew up the entire country, killing 22.5 million people. I just looked it up and Cambodia has a population of 13 mil, so my dream was getting a little carried away.

Anyways! So I think everyone blamed this leader who fled the country, and they were looking for him, and for some reason Canada was in complete disarray. People were so scared and it was utter chaos. Like we were torn apart, and it was a scary place to be. Terrell and I were searching for people we knew, and we avoided eye contact with almost everyone we met because it was dangerous. We were trying to get to the university (I don’t know which one, it was not CMU) and everywhere people were fighting and beating the crap out of each other over race and culture. The streets were a mess, it looked like a slum in a third world country and was probably less safe.

After a hair-raising trip we made it, but there was no one there. There were papers and books everywhere, torn to pieces, dirty, broken windows. I was so scared but Terrell seemed relatively unphased. So we were wandering around the darkened university looking for people but hoping not to run into anyone at the same time. Very weird and scary and depressing. I woke up feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing and only wish the very best on the people of Cambodia.

day ten.

LYRIC.

But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth. My heart is crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…you cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.

- Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love (Spirit)

GRATEFUL.

I am so thankful for time alone. I love being with Terrell, I love being with the Wiebes, but it seems like every Thursday I love just coming home and being alone for an hour. It actually takes a lot from me to make myself walk over to their house for supper just because it’s so nice to get that time, it helps me refuel myself.

WANTS.

I wish I was better at managing my time. I feel like I am a very successful time waster. It always seems like I can look at the clock at any point, or the calendar for that matter and be like, what the crap? What have I done in this time? I feel so vamped up to do things but then I am too lazy to do them. For example, I do waste too much time on Facebook, and I know that. But I don’t feel like deleting my account would fix it – I would just fill that time reading some celeb gossip site or something. So I went through my friend list and deleted people whose profiles I never look at, who I am not really friends in real life with in an attempt to keep me from mindlessly looking at pictures of people I don’t care about. I deleted 70 friends. It felt good.

JOY.

Cutting Terrell’s hair in my kitchen listening to him tell me all about his day. I could just listen to him talk for hours, what he thinks and how he feels fascinates me. It was especially great to hear him talk about how happy he is that I have so many interests, dreams and ambitions, and encourage me to pursue them. It means so much to me.

LOVES.

Daddy dearest is the very best. I actually can’t imagine having better parents. My dad is such a loving person, the epitome of hilarious. He’s such a cute old man, and he gets offended when I call him old. He lets me dye his hair blond and just laughs when it turns out pink. He has shown me what a man of God should be like, a spiritual leader and his faith has a quiet humility that I really admire. He makes fun of how I talk; while he’s watching sports there is no possible way to reach him. He can point his nose (it looks like a house). His obliviousness sometimes KILLS me, as does his falsetto while singing along to oldies. He introduced me to the good music, like Buddy Holly and The Righteous Brothers. He is a great son, husband, father, brother, friend. He LOVES my mom, I think its so beautiful that even after 28 years, she’s still the same to him and he adores her the way he did then. Makes me hopeful. I’ve always wanted to marry a man just like my daddy, he’s just the best there ever was.

I'm sorry, but...

Can I just stop for a moment and say how OUTRAGED I am that CTV bought the Hockey Night in Canada theme??

I AM OUTRAGED!!!

The more I think about it the more I fume! Today Danaka has been listening to some of the options for the new theme, and it’s all CRAP. Not that they all suck, but this whole thing is crap. As IF we are looking for a new theme, I honestly couldn’t hear any of them being played with the logo spinning in the background.

That theme was EPIC. It was Canada’s second national anthem.

And just like that, CTV steals it away.

WHY CTV? Why???

Why are you taking away a piece of Canada’s history, a part of our identity and pride?

I just needed to get that out. It really bothers me.

…I mean who didn’t play that song in band?

Sigh.

day nine.

Lyricalness:

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest, tried to be everything that you ever wanted. I tried to be smarter, tried to be stronger, tried to be everything but you.

- Hawk Nelson, Everything You Ever Wanted (Smile, It’s the End of the World)

Gratefulness:

I was really, really happy to have chicken for supper. I was very happy that it was a nice enough day that we could eat outside. I am really grateful for my family, that I didn’t grow up in some hideous foster home or group home. Reading White Oleander has made me very grateful for the life I’ve had, especially because I now see just how quickly everything you ever knew can deteriorate. It also made me realize just how selfless my parents are – every adult in this book is so selfish I can’t even stand it! Their selfish desires ruined this girl’s life, and she’s tainted by her environment, her role models. Ugh. I am just so very grateful for my amazing parents and family.

Wantingness:

I really just wanted to chillax and watch a great episode of SYTYCD, and I did! It was SO AMAZING, the best dance of the night was my favorite couple, Joshua and Katee, dancing a “Bollywood” number. Baliwood? Anyways, I didn’t know that was a genre of dance, I always thought it was the Indian version of Hollywood. Anyhoo, it was just brilliant and that was all I wanted. To watch and be happy.

Happiness:

I think the happiest moment of my day was actually the Bollywood dance (I’ve decided on that spelling). It was so celebrational, so full of life. It reminded me of so many styles blended into one (hip hop, African, jazz, contemporary, even Ukranian!) I just loved it and it was such an exciting moment and cultural, I loved it.

Loveliness:

Ben Winter makes me laugh! I do enjoy that kid. I tease him, he teases me, its all good! He is so easy going and chill, its great. Today he showed up at volleyball in blue shorts and a (different shade of) blue shirt. He then proceeded to sit in a blue lawn chair, and later he pulled out a BLUE NALGENE. It was blue overload. I told him I was going to tell his girlfriend that he’s so blue when she’s away. Ha ha, I’m funny. I have never had an exchange with Ben that hasn’t been anything but pleasant, and I like that. He’s a great kid.

day eight.

Lyric running from my brain to my mouth out into the open air:

Then I see you standing there, wanting more from me and all I can do is try. Then I see you standing there, I’m all I’ll ever be, and all I can do is try.

- Nelly Furtado, Try (Loose)

Ps – Nelly Furtado went BLONDE. Everyone be appalled with me. She is now the definition of sell out and she looks like every other blonde celebrity out there.

I am grateful for:

The rain. I love rain. Sometimes I want it to rain every day because I love just curling up on the couch all night with a book, staying inside to snuggle and just watch it pour. Sometimes I want to run outside in it.

I want:

To be more motivated! I feel like the most unmotivated person on earth today. I was happy it rained because I was planning on going for a walk and the rain deterred me from my physical activity. I wish I was more motivated in all areas of my life right now – with putting effort into God, into my job, into staying in contact with people, into my health and fitness. Right now I am only motivated to finish this book because I have two more fat ones waiting for me to read!

Moment of pure joy:

I decided on a whim to check out flights to Calgary for Al’s wedding, and BOOM! A sweet seat sale!! It was so exciting! I booked it and now I am really really excited to go! Also talking to Terrell last night about life in general was just grand. I could talk to him forever.

Let me tell you about someone I love:

Uncle Guy (!) added me on Facebook tonight. Like what the heck? Crazy man! Turns out the wiener has had it since April but just added me now! What’s up with that? I can just hear his nasal tone, JAYNA’S on Facebook too! Ha ha. He is a funny man. So very generous with his time and efforts, very helpful, a hard worker, and a hater of all things resembling kisses. His e-mails, typically sent in all small case, sure make me laugh too. Very simple and to the point. He’s not a very fancy man. Ha ha, fancy. What a funny word.

day seven.

Lyric that has seriously been harassing me today (and I am not proud of this):

You got me trippin (oh), stumbling (oh), flippin (oh), fumbling (oh)
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love (in love)
You got me slippin (oh), tumbling (oh), sinking (oh), fumbling (oh)
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love (in love)
-Fergie, Clumsy (The Dutchess)

Stupid Fergie. I can’t wait until she sings in Sarnia and leaves forever, they have played this song on the radio WAY too much! Ps, Fergie can’t spell, I am aware that ‘Dutchess’ is incorrect spelling wise but that’s her brilliance, not mine.

What I am grateful for today:

My job! I have had such a good, quick, productive and successful day. Its been sweet and its days like today that make me feel like I’m actually doing a good job here. I get to work in an office and do something that actually feels like it matters, and that’s pretty cool. I also feel really good today AND I am having a hot day. Settle down, me.

What I want:

I really need to stop being such a worrier. Its stupid and doesn’t get me anywhere. I think I could read that scripture every day about not worrying and it still wouldn’t sink in. I mean I read it, and I know it, but like, how do you believe it? How do you apply it to your life? I feel like it’s the same as being told every day that you are beautiful and made in God’s image, which is great to hear and easy to know, but believing it in the head is different than believing it in your heart. It took me 10 years to even start to sometimes believe that – how long will it take with this worrying nonsense? Especially because I spend my worrying time fretting over things that haven’t happened yet, and perhaps may not ever happen. And that, my friends, is just a complete waste of time and effort.

Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. (Phil. 4:6)

Moment of joy today:

On the way to baseball, I was still reeling from what I had just read in White Oleander (a rather disturbing read, and I’m only on page 86!), and I mentioned to Terrell that I was feeling pretty disturbed. Usually he won’t let me/asks me not to tell him anything that I find disturbing, but he could tell I was feeling pretty squirmy so he broke down, saying, “Ok, ok. Tell me about it.” And I proceeded to tell him the gory details. It wasn’t nearly as scarring as it was to read it in the book, because she writes quite poetically, but I was happy to tell someone anyhow.

Also, I love doing devotions with Terrell, just talking about stuff like that together is really amazing.

Somebody I love:

I was remembering today this incredibly emo day I was having first year, and Scott was too, so we stayed up really late listening to his Ipod singing Kelly Clarkson and High School Musical. It was so fun and exactly what I needed. Scott was there for me so much first year, he was the friend I really needed and he was always there for me. We had this ability to hang out together when we were feeling introverted. Together we laughed, talked, cried, stayed up too late and ate way too much McDonalds. He was such a Godsend and I am so happy to call him a friend.

day six.

.lyric.

You're the best friend that I ever had. I've been with you such a long time; you're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you. Oh, you're my best friend.

- Queen, You’re My Best Friend (A Night at the Opera)

.i am grateful.

I am so thankful for relaxing days. For a boy who loves me so much its insane, who makes me believe I am beautiful and interesting and worthwhile. As if people fall in love and I am one of those people. What did I do to deserve it? I am so blown away and so grateful to have someone take care of me and love me the way he does. I am just so thankful for love and the opportunity to experience it and even more importantly, give it away.

.what i want.

Sometimes I just want to know everything about my life. I want to know my future, where I’ll be and who will be around me, when I’ll get married and when I’ll have kids. I want to know what struggles I’ll face and what pain my heart will experience, and I want to know that I’ll survive it. I want to know that I will never have to be apart from the people I love. I want to know where I’ll be in 10 years. I want to know where Terrell will be for his practicum; I want to know if I will get my jaw broken next spring. The thing is, as much as I want to know these things, I really don’t. It takes the fun out of life, and most importantly it means not having to trust God with anything because I already know how it all plays out. It’s so stupid, because no matter how faithful God is to me I still struggle to trust Him. I guess what I really want is to get better at that.

.moment of happiness.

Oh man, I think this entire day was pure happiness, one moment after the other. Going to the clinic and getting meds, watching tennis, baking banana loaf and cookies, watching Corner Gas, cleaning the house, cleaning my house, taking stupid pictures, talking about everything, laughing about everything, feeling so comfortable and happy together. Watching Angels in the Outfield and tearing up at the end. This is what the day is like when I spend the whole day with you: one big moment of happy.

.i love you.

Terrell Wiebe. Where do I even begin? You are impossible not to love. I never have as much fun with anyone as I do with you. I love how lame we are together but how our lameness makes us awesome to me. No one understands me or knows me like he does. He listens to me, and what I say matters to him. He puts up with all my crap and loves me more for it. Why? I’m not so sure, but I’m so glad he does. I feel so blessed to have such a strong, intelligent, caring, giving, loving, fun, dedicated and not to mention good looking man of God in my life. He challenges me, he cares for me. He believes in me when I don’t; he is strong for me when I am at my weakest point. He holds me when I need it, he prays for me when I need it, he encourages me when I need it. He takes care of me when I’m sick. The love he shows me reflects the love that God has for me (unconditional, overwhelming). Its like through loving him everything makes more sense to me, and the more I grow to love him the more I grow to love God as well. He makes me so happy and he makes me feel beautiful. He is my safe place, my best friend. I can tell him anything. And no matter where I am, I find comfort in his nearness. In his arms I am home.

day five.

Sing…sing a song…

Stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I’m going nowhere.

- OneRepublic, Stop and Stare (Dreaming Out Loud)

Stop right now, thank you very much...

I am oh so grateful for sleep and its healing powers. I had such a migraine when I went to bed last night I thought I was going to throw up. I could hardly function, I just fell into bed. But I felt so good this morning when I woke up – ready to eat and actually function and have a day. I am also so grateful for my amazing experience in Africa. All day, with the heat, seeing many Africans today and eating supper at an Ethiopian restaurant has had me under the delusion that I am in Africa again. I had to keep telling myself today, you’re in Canada. It made me miss it there, and holy crap I am so grateful for that experience. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world and I am excited to hopefully return some day.

I want you to want me…

I want the next week to fly so we can go to Waterloo to see Ryan and Alecia on the weekend! I want my sunburned scalp to not peel. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling even better than I do today. I want my family to have fun and great weekend, and I want to watch Get Smart with them!

You make me so very happy…

Watching the blind runners today at the Canadian Olympic Trials for track and field was so cool. It was an amazing and inspiring thing to watch. There were these Paralympic athletes and they were attached to a guide runner by a bracelet that connected their wrists. They ran simultaneously, stride for stride. And they RAN, like they we just giving it down the track. It was really quite beautiful to watch. I can’t imagine running blind. Imagine the trust that goes into that! I guess in some ways life is like that, running blind with all your might, completely trusting your Guide to direct you and make sure you don’t fall before you cross the finish line. And if you do fall, your guide is there to pick you up and keep running.

I love you I love you I love you I love you…

I love my mommy! There is no one quite like her. It’s actually really hard to put to words what my mom means to me and is to me. I love how much closer we have gotten over the past few years, as I’ve grown up and we have so much more to talk about. I feel like I am at this really great age to learn from her, and I want to learn all I can. I feel like she has so much to teach me about being a woman. I can learn so much from her because she has shown me what it looks like to be an amazing woman of God, wife, mother, colleague, church leader, teacher and friend. I love how we can talk about anything from school to friendships to faith to love to So You Think You Can Dance. She edits all my essays and has patience coming out the wazoo. She never gets mad at me even though I am really horrible with keeping in touch. Plus she lets me make fun of her all the time (“IS it?!”) and is one of the funniest people on the planet. And above all I know she loves me, all the time, no matter what. Her support means the world to me. I miss watching SYTYCD with her. Its really not the same.

day four.

Sing-a-long:

When I go down, I go down hard, and I take everything I’ve learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom…

-Relient K, When I Go Down (Mmhmm)

Thanks for:

My coworkers, who care about me enough to drive me to the doctor on my lunch break. Even though I didn’t get to see the doctor I did enjoy them fussing over me and apologizing for using bad language in front of me…lol! It was impossible to get any work done this afternoon, not only because I was exhausted and felt like crap, but because they were stopping in every five minutes to make sure I was alright.

I want:

To feel better!!! To stop having migraines which make me nauseous. To wake up tomorrow feeling 100%.

Happiness is:

Seeing Terrell standing in the lobby at work when he came to pick me. I was so ready to go home by that point and seeing him there made me so happy. That and crying in exhausted frustration while he just held me and let me cry…that was just what I needed, to release and to be loved and feel so cared for in that moment was amazing.

I love:

Kristin called me today to see how I was doing. Ah, I miss her! She’s like a sister and a friend all in one, and probably the closest girlfriend I have. We share the same sexy man laugh, and we are so cool when we’re together. She is actually the most beautiful person on earth. She is such a strong, graceful, compassionate woman of God who I know is a joy to have as a sister and, I’m sure, as a daughter, wife and friend too.

day three.

Lyric:

Without love, life is like a beat that you can’t follow.

- Elijah Kelly, Without Love (Hairspray Soundtrack)

Grateful:

I truly have the best boyfriend ever. I sound like a broken record but its true! Feeling sick becomes 10x less bad when he’s around because he takes such good care of me, brings me ginger ale and gets me books from the library. Especially when I’m away from home and sick, its so amazing to have someone realize how hard that is and take such good care of you. He’s like my piece of home here.

Desire:

I am SO SICK of feeling sick!! Being nauseous is actually the worst thing in the world, and I have been nauseous on and off for the last two weeks. Its driving me nuts. My stomach and back hurt too, and I really have no idea what the crap is wrong with me. I hate that! I just want to get sick and get it over with already and then start recovering. Honestly.

Happiness:

Watching Christina Chen videos on youtube with Danaka at the end of the day. The best part was when she started high kicking and we both gasped in shock and then laughed so hard we cried.

Love:

How Bruce lets me watch So You Think You Can Dance every week, even when the Blue Jays are playing (and winning, which is quite rare). And then he ‘reads’ while its on, until he can’t stand the sound of Mary Murphy’s voice anymore and has to leave. Oh I appreciate that. He makes me happy.

day two.

1. Song o’ the day:

Can anybody out there hear me? 'Cause I can't seem to hear myself. Can anybody out there see me? 'Cause I can't seem to see myself. There's gotta be a heaven somewhere. Can you save me from this hell? Can anybody out there feel me? 'Cause I can't seem to feel myself…

-Justin Timberlake, Losing My Way (FutureSex/Lovesounds)

2. I am grateful for:

I am so very grateful that I get to see my boyfriend every single day. I remember how sucky the distance has been in the past, and this summer I never have to do that. I actually get to see how/that I do fit into his life, get to know his family better, and hang out with and grow to love his friends. Even if we don’t hang out for hours on end each day, it’s still so nice to see him. Oh man I love it!

3. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want…

I really want the school year coming up to be a success. I was looking at my school stuff today, at when exams and holidays are, and I am excited! I am hoping it all goes without a hitch, I just really want to have an enjoyable last year at CMU. I am excited to see my friends and I just really want to find the perfect balance between school, friends and Terrell next year.

4. This makes me happy:

Getting driven home by Terrell in the pouring rain, with him barefoot, seatbeltless and in his pajamas. Watching amazing lightening and listening to the rain hit the roof of my house. Baking cookies.

5. Can anybody find meee somebody to love?

Nonie makes me LAUGH. She is such a funny person, so kind and so scatterbrained sometimes. She puts up with merciless teasing; she yells at computers with me, she talks to me about hair removal and other girly things. She will punch lamps while dancing to Flo Rida. At the start of every Corner Gas episode she says, “Oh, this one’s funny!” She eats almost as much ice cream as me. She is beautiful, inside and out, and so strong. She gives so much of her self to her family, to serving God, and to her passions. I know she is striving to be the woman, wife, mother and friend that God wants her to be, and in my opinion she is doing a great job! She has been such a friend to me this summer which is exactly what I’ve needed. It is rare that I don’t laugh when I hang out with Nonie. I am very glad she is Terrell’s mom because it’s given me the opportunity to have her as a part of my life.

day one.

The 40 Day Challenge.

Write everyday for 40 days answering these 5 questions:

1. one song lyric stuck in my head today.

2. what I am grateful for.

3. one thing I really want.

4. what was one moment of pure happiness today.

5. write about one person in my life that I love.

-- I was inspired to do this by my beautiful friend Leanne. I hope that by doing this I will be reminded of the good things in my life every day, and to get a desire to start blogging again. --

1. Song lyric harassing my brain today:

Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I’ve had no fun. – Laura Marling, The Captain and the Hourglass (Alas I Cannot Swim)

(It’s horrible, I know. Its just to the catchiest melody ever. Her CD tells me she has had a very bad experience with religion on the whole. I keep trying to remove it from my head by substituting the word ‘more’ for ‘no.’)

2. What I am grateful for:

This most wonderful day off to do something nice for people who are nice to me. I loved having time to bake and do dishes for the Wiebes and felt productive and restful all at once. The sun today has been amazing too.

3. What I wanted today:

I really wanted Terrell to not work late and to hang out with him, just relax and talk and laugh. And we got to do that! Watching Family Feud (they uh…stuff themselves into clothes) and America’s Got Talent while eating mouth-burning chips, giving massages and laughing was an excellent way to spend the evening.

4. Pure happiness:

Sitting on a bench with Terrell on this gorgeous day eating a hamburger and dripping relish on all my extremities (thigh and bicep. What is that, honestly?). When he smiled at me and said, “I’m happy you’re here.”

When after eating the supper I made (and a cinnamon bun I made too), Bruce said, “That was delicious.”

5. Somebody I loooooove:

Is it weird that I really want to say God? I mean He is somebody I love. Today I was reading my prayer journal that I’ve had since Outtatown and write in sporadically. I was reading all the things I wrote last summer, how happy I was and how God just filled me with joy every single day when I really needed it. It was a real interesting read, because I was so darn HONEST every time I wrote, whether I was happy or mad or sad or frustrated, I was so honest with God. Because I think He’s the only one who I can be that honest with, and I LOVE that. There is so much freedom there, knowing I can say anything to God and He loves me the same. I mean I can be honest with Terrell (and I am), but there is something so amazing about pouring your heart out to a God who cares. God is so faithful to me. In the winter I prayed that I would go wherever He called me this summer and be happy there doing whatever I had to do because I knew that was where He wanted me to be. So that’s what I’m doing. And that’s why I love God – He really does grant all the desires of the heart.

the hand that holds the world.

No greater joy

Is there than this

To know for what

We're meant to live

To hold Your hand

To touch Your face

To find ourselves

In loves embrace

I want to stand before the King

Join in the song that heaven sings

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I want to know the mystery

Reach out and touch the majesty

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

No greater love

Could be bestowed

That You would name us as your own

Your daughters sing

Your sons rejoice

They gather here before Your throne

You are, You are

The author of creation

We are, the children of your heart

You are, You are,

The light of all the heaven

We rise, to worship all You are

la vie en leamington

well, here i am, approaching my third week in leamington, land of many tomatoes. in my time here i have seen many friendly faces, a heinz plant, a play, narnia, the town's biggest yard sale, approximately 14 episodes of jeopardy, 1.8 seasons of corner gas, and the bee movie. also, lots of sun, some lightening, beautiful flowers and an abundance of ice cream.
in other news, i have a job, a house, and a wonderful boyfriend who has wonderful parents who have taken such wonderful care of me and made me feel, well, wonderful.
sadly lacking in leamington are anyone under the names jody r. b., owen, m. b., kristin r. b. l., tyler l., jordan p. b., and one brynne k. h. if anyone has any idea of their whereabouts, please send them to leamington immediately.
also, if anyone has a cure to pre-first-day-of-work-nerves, please contact janna here.
over and out.

Life Is a Musical!

this video just made my day! i would love to do something like this.

the feeling of summer.

"it feels like summer."
ever heard that?
i hear people say that all the time, if the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
it feels like summer.
i whole heartedly agree that summer is a feeling, not just a season.
but summer is not just sun tans, beaches, and ice cream.
summer is a feeling.
i'm not talking about warm cars, sandy feet, hot sun kind of feeling.
or lazy day, sleeping in, stress-free kind of feelings.
summer is a feeling deep in my stomach, an uneasiness.
a restlessness of my heart.
summer is an ache, a pain, an upset.
summer is a cold, hurting wave across my entire body.
summer feels like someone is constantly squeezing my heart, tighter and tighter
or like a grown man is sitting on my chest, restricting my breathing.
summer is a physical distress to my body.
i felt it instantly when i pulled into my driveway after dropping terrell off
today and it has gripped me since that moment.
i can't believe i forgot what it felt like.
it just feels like something very essential is missing.
it feels cold no matter how warm the sun is.
summer feels like something is constantly wrong, and that is simply because
you're not here.

i look upon your hill

-seven places-

I look upon Your hill

Your broken body hanging still

Your blood drips down

Your face and brow

You brought me life through death

No greater love than this

Surely He's borne our grief

Carried our sorrow

Though we've gone astray

It's by His stripes and wounds

We were healed

On that glorious day

Oh Lord, You've worn the crown

I've placed upon

Your head

Oh Lord, I've pierced Your hands

Yet Your blood declares my innocence

he died for us - its too amazing to even fathom.

and then he rose.

and now he interecedes for us

and the right hand of God.

we are so blessed!

heath.

so heath ledger died today.
i know he's a celebrity and all but i am sad.
i cried when i found out.
i am still in shock.
he was so young!
with a baby.
and a future.
such a tragic, needless death.
he was such a big part of my teen years.
like what girl didn't have him on her wall?
or dream of him singing to her?
sadness.
i feel like a piece of my growing up has died.
and this makes me sad.
the worst part it that people are mad that i'm upset.
because thousands of people die everyday.
and this is blown out of proportion.
but he was a real person too.
someone's father.
someone's son.
someone's friend.
and that makes me sad.
i think i'll be in shock for a while...
rest soundly, heath.

surely we can change.

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn't hit
And I don't know
What to do with a love like that
And I don't know
How to be a love like that
When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything
Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
The whole world's about to change.
-david crowder band-

merry christmas.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' " From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known.

1 John 1:1-18

glorious impossible.

its two weeks today until christmas! enjoy this amazing song by the GVB.

its the same version as our Christmas in South Africa DVD.

christmas gala

so a week ago today was the christmas gala at cmu - everyone dresses up beautifully and we basically eat food, take a ton of pictures and then dance our butts off in the blau. so fun. and i just like seeing all the guys in suits and all the girls who never wear makeup with their hair in ringlets and dresses. its a grand old time, and was 100x better this year without the boring program! here are some pictures of the festivities. :)

terrell and i at the table.

with josh reimer - so glad he's here to stay!

my ladies - i pray with them every wednesday!

i think i am dizzy from justin's vest.

at the dance afterwards, i love how many people we fit into this picture.

i love them all!

i am in love with this picture.

now i have 3 more exams (almost two) and 5 days until i fly to terrell's house. i am so excited! i am sad to miss stuff at home but i know how special it is that terrell and his parents want me there for a special day. i am excited! i just want it to be saturday. 5 more days...

ever with me.

Oh Lord, the Spirit of love abiding
The voice in the darkness guiding
Hear my prayer.
Be in my head and in my understanding.
Be in my eyes and in my looking.
Be in my mouth and in my speaking.
Be in my heart and always in my thinking.
Lead me Lord.
Lead me in Thy paths of peace.
Make You way plain before my eyes.
For it is only by your guidance
Only by You tender love that I may dwell in safety,
Dwell in safety.
God be in my head and in my understanding.
God be in my eyes and in my looking.
God be in my mouth and in my speaking.
God be in my life and in my breathing.
God be in my heart and in my loving.
God be in my thoughts and in my doing.
God be in my joy and in my laughing.
God be by my side, be my Protector.
God be at my end and with me ever
With me ever with me, ever.

-Gwyneth Walker

it's snowing again.

i like holding hands through mittens.

the moment.

i don't want to go to bed.
sleeping will officially end this weekend.
i don't want it to end!
it was too great...
too short...
i am not ready to go back to real life.
i want to go back to brandon.
to the apartment.
to my family.
to snuggling with you on the couch
and watching hockey.
to waffle stix and chocolate fondue.
to laughing too much.
to burgers at midnight.
to the newsboys concert
watching you dance and sing your heart out.
to eating fuzzy peaches on the bus
and talking about christmas.
gah.
living in the moment is hard sometimes.
the library awaits me tomorrow.
deadlines await me tomorrow.
but forget tomorrow.
right now memories call me.
thankfulness in my heart calls me.
praying, then sleeping calls me.
good night.

sorry everyone.

so i never post anymore.
life is just so busy!!
being an ra, a student, a room mate, a friend, a girlfriend, a daughter, a christian...
it takes up at lot of time.
sometimes i feel like i suck at them all.
sometimes i feel like i only suck at some of them.
but life goes on.
i go on.
we all gone on and press on through.
or we try to anyways.

maybe i shouldn't post when i'm so bogged down with work. lol.
back to the books...

too long!

ok, so its been way too long since i last posted, i apologise. life just gets crazy! so here is a one-sentence summary of the important things that happened.

1. i saw JOSH GROBAN live in concert!!! it was life-alteringly amazing, i bawled through most of it, GAH i love him.
2. i crashed a car - on the way to ashley's house for her birthday. henk and i lived, the car did not...oops.
3. henk came home! its been good to see him.
4. i led song actions for vbs with jodi on my lunchbreaks all of last week. it was so much fun; exhausting but rewarding.
5. al came to visit with her boyfriend on friday - sarah, rob and i joined them for supper and a movie and it was absolutely lovely to see them all.
6. i saw hairspray again in theatres. be still my heart.
7. i worked saturday and then had a party at my house which was so fun. i love camp fires.
8. sunday was jordan's 24th birthday party, my word my brother is old!
9. on monday at work it stunk like skunk and we found a dying baby one inside the building. john killed it with a shovel, and i cried (i would like to point out that he ended its suffering, it was in real bad shape).
10. yesterday was terrell's 20th birthday! so happy birthday to my guy. :)

and now ashley is here. today i pulled a bee out of my pocket and it was scary. and the mama skunk is in our building. oy! one week until i am in winnipeg, i am so excited but have so much to do! two more days of work and 7 more until i see terrell...sigh. life is happy.

what i know

1. i really don't like being called "jan" by people who don't know me well. friends, family, they can call me that - they know me. but people who i've just met only call me "jan" because they don't remember my actual name, and that bothers me!! this kid at work called me that and i was like, no.

2. drunk driving is never, ever cool. i don't care if you do it in the country, or give it a catchy name like "booze cruising", it doesn't make the possibility of death and injury cool. its completely idiotic and i really am frustrated by how popular it is in our area. oy.

3. you don't need to go overseas to be a missionary. at work this kid asked me if i was into church. i said, "well i don't know if i'm into church, but i'm into god." he made a comment about being religious and "into all your gods" and i said, "oh no, not 'gods', i believe that there is only one god." and he gathered from that that i was 'less religious' or less of a christian because i only believed in one god, as if by believing in more gave me more faith. so it just goes to show that even in our own communities some people have absolutely no idea about christian spirituality, or even about god, and that there is always a window of opportunity to step in there.

4. my aunt's boyfriend is awesome, a total keeper and the whole family loves him. excellent!

5. its much more fun to meet distant relatives now than it was when i was little because now i'm an adult and actually have things to talk about with them. its even better when they actually feel like they're your family and you feel like a part of theirs.

i love you.

cutest, best commercial of my life!

good morning baltimore

well guys, its almost august! can you believe it?
this summer is ridic.
well i am pooped after two fun weekends in a row. last weekend i went to the peg with nash and leanne and it was SO much fun! got home at 2 am on sunday and i definitely worked at 8:30 the next day. good stuff.

this past weekend i helped with some home renovation and painting and then went to brandon with ash to see hairspray with brynne. best movie ever!! it was so much funnier than i expected, and seriously such an empowering film. it covers issues like being different and embracing it, accepting people that are different (whether its race or size or whatever), standing up for whats right, and really chasing after your dreams. so many times in the movie i was applauding just because i was so pumped up and so happy! and the music was great too. basically i want to see it again - right now. and then supper and cheesecake with dan man. and a wedding registry. ha ha! after a failed attempt at mini golf, we went glo bowling where we danced to hollaback girl and listen to your heart. so fun! once again got home too late and then i sang at church. then there was a shower and then off to salt lake with ash, curtis, and michael. it truly was the only was to cool off and dingys made it even more fun! i laughed too much and ate too much brownie and played way too much bubble bobble (original nintendo baby). curtis and i even wrote a song to the irritating music. we managed to tag team it and defeat all 100 levels and the final boss. yup, we're awesome (and by us i mean curtis and michael, because ash and i weren't much help i don't think). but it was so much fun to hang out and laugh too much. GEEEB!

its too hot. officially. i am constantly dizzy at work and its very smelly there.

i feel like i could say more about life and hairspray etc but i think it calls for a seperate post. so until then, my lovelies!

ps i see terrell in less than a month - boo ya kashaw!

10 excalmations

1. i am feeling better!
2. today i rode in the parade on the town's float!
3. i ate too much candy!
4. i am excited about home renovations!
5. it was really hot all day!
6. i love sytycd!
7. wednesday nights with ashley are the best!
8. canadian idol sucks!
9. i am pretty tired right now!
10. traveler is the craziest show EVER!

terrell should like this post - no one loves exclamation points quite like him.

Paging Dr. House

so i've been feeling crappy since wednesday, and after an unsuccessful trip to the doctor here i am on sunday, missing church and feeling like a poop sandwhich. i wish i could report better but i woke up on saturday feeling worse than ever - which is unfortch bc i was really feeling quite a bit better friday evening. now my throat is seriously KILLING me, it feels like my left eardrum is about to explode, and swallowing is basically impossible. so dad took me to the hospital where they took blood and tested me for mono. the results came back negative, but my over swollen glands (you can see them bulging on either side in my neck, two rock hard ping pong ball sized lumps that hurt like a you-know-what), inability to talk, and high fever concerned him, as did my "concerning overly high" white blood cell count (which means that my body is producing more trying to fight off some kind of infection), so he put me on some meds of some sort, i have to take three ginormous horse pills a day. yesterday all i did was take two two hour naps, and sat up for an hour inbetween. last night i forced down food bc i haven't eaten properly since wednesday because swallowing is too painful. i feel like i have definitely od-ed on advil and tylenol trying to kill the renlentless fever, and cough candies make me nauceous/do absolutely nothing. so please, pray for me, because if i don't get better i will definitely be missing a lot more work and really the pain right now is inbearable. i think my infection is moving: before it was the right side of my throat and ear, than the left, and now my left ear is like super death! i really dont understand what is wrong with my body. even if my throat problem goes away i could at least function. so yes, prayer would be nice. thanks.

thoughts.

lately i have been tired.
tired but happy.
which is good.
i like being happy.
i have also been busy.
which is great.
have i mentioned that i love my job?
and how good god is to me?
i feel like these past few weeks he's been more than god to me.
he's been my friend.
and i love that!
i've been keeping a prayer journal and its going great.
i like looking back to see how he's answered prayers.
yup god's good.
and now terrell's on the phone so i gotta go.

time with terrell

so its officially been a week since i left terrell's, so its about time i tell about it!

well, firstly i got to brynne's and we had a fun adventure of shoppers drug mart, construction sights, hair straightening and so you think you can dance. after very little sleep, we headed off to the airport where i checked in and boarded soon after. i flew next to a kind of creepy man to toronto, and from there to (on the smallest plane EVER) london! terrell was waiting when i got there, and i shook through our entire reunion - i'll blame it on excitement and ridic turbulence!

so we drove back to his place and unpacked my stuff. i think we hung out with his dad and chilled and then went to pick his mom up at work, because we were going to detroit for a david crowder concert!!

i know, can you believe it? it was pretty amazing - he sounds AWESOME live!! we were so close too! i think nonie was more excited than either of us, ha ha! although he sang my favorite songs so i was thrilled. it was a great time of worship and so much fun, a dream fulfilled!

the next day we chilled and watched 'myth busters', which had this guy with some amazing facial expressions that made us nearly die laughing. we ate lunch (well they ate, i was nauseous most of the weekend), played pool and frisbee outside and picked nonie up at work again and drove once again to the united states. my passport got a workout! we ate at TGIFriday's and continued on to our destination - gotta love super 8s! first we shopped and terrell bought him and myself the two heaviest books in the store, then we hung at the hotel and watched 'the pacifier' on tv. i got my own room at the hotel, it was so sweet!!

the next day we drove to frankenmuth, mich, and went to the world's largest christmas store. it. was. so. HUGE! and fantastic! you really need to see it to believe it! its 5 acres of tacky christmas amazingness! we took a lot of pictures.

after lunch at a sweet restaurant in town we checked out some shops and then drove back over the canadian border to this sweet beach town, where i think we were the only 4 people wearing shirts. or pants for that matter! that aside, terrell and i took a stroll down the beach. we had a light supper and then went to huron country playhouse to see 'cats', which actually rocked my world! the sets were fantastic, as was the makeup, costumes, singing and dancing! the plot was stupid and made no sense, but the show was brilliant, i loved it! we got home after midnight and hit the sac immediately.

sunday was the best day ever. slept in, showered, ate a delishious brunch, hung out with terrell, played dominos with him and his mom, lost horribly, went to grad where terrell wons lots of money! came home, looked at our scrapbook, ate supper, went to ryan's house where he, ben, darren, kelly and us played frisbee and roasted marshmellows. it was so much fun! it was great to hang out with his friends, and spend time with sandra and kelly. that whole night was perfect too - it was great just talking, laughing, tickling, and eating fruit loops! and i gave terrell a great new nickname! ha ha.

it really was the perfect trip. i wouldn't change a thing about it - well maybe it'd be longer...oh and my flight wouldn't be delayed and hour and a half. but it really was perfect. i got to spend so much time with him and his parents, and saw some great things and had a lot of fun. its hard to come home knowing it will be so long until i see him again, but i know time will go by fast, and that god will give me joy when i need it. and i now remember just how good it is to see him after a break from each other, so i anticipate august 29 so much more!

me and my sherrell terriff!